Garry Poker and the blue ace of spades
by pavel.herinek
Summary: Irritating boy with the scar on his hindquarters, where you will want to kick him – that's Garry Poker, the student of High school of gambling and card games in Polná. Welcome among his haters, unless you are fans of trash! Enjoy classical story in style of Tarantino – 140 pages of absurd dialogues and in the end 20 pages of furious action! Translation of a Czech HP parody.
1. Chapter 1: The boy who won

AN: This is my translation of a Czech Harry Potter parody which I find hilarious and I would like to give a chance to read it even to those who do not understand Czech. It is my first translation, so, if you spot an error, feel free to point out, I will be only happy to find out what can I do better. Expect some swearwords and minor suggestions (in later chapters). If you like this story, you can follow, favourite and also comment (which would be appreaciated).

If someone is interested in the original story, it is possible to find it on google if you type the name of this story. If you want to read it a little bit sooner than here, you can also find my blog by adding english to the name of this story.  
Enjoy!

First chapter is where we'll meet the main character. We will therefore see who he is and what he is doing. Even worse, we will meet his family! Luckily it's his stepfamily so we don't have to like them.

 **The boy who won**

 _The prologue_

Mr. and Mrs. Theirsly always thought they were normal, totally normal. They lived in Narrow Street in one unnamed village near Prague. They've never played cards, they've never been in casino, they've never bought a lottery ticket and no one of them had ever thrown a coin in the machine. Not even in a machine which sold condoms. That's why Mrs. Theirsly gave birth to son David. But that doesn't matter. David is "The-boy-who-is-not-important".

* * *

 _International Day of Orgasm_

Mr. Bernard Theirsly returned from work wearily. He had horrible and – although he didn't know that yet – right anticipation that today's really not his lucky day. Something was wrong. Firstly it was probably the thing that there were too many cats in town. He could stand them, but why every cat carried a little paper in its mouth!? But what really had upset him was when one cat outran him on the underground escalator. He tried to complain at supervisor's office, but supervisor wa playing cards with some idiot with long hair and crazy haircut and responded just by: "Why would you complain in such a glorious day, you mug!"

"What?!" was the only Mr. Theirsly's response. At work, he spent more than an hour finding out what kind of important day it is, which wasn't as easy as today. It was year 1989 and Larry Page and Sergei Bryn hadn't even been acquainted. Finally, he found a clue in comical foreign calendar, but that enraged him even more: 8.8.-International Day of Orgasm. Surely they can't mean that? Although he saw a connection between pussies and orgasms, he never thought about it that way. Secondly, he had never seen so many people around illicit casinos and other illegal buildings that soon. Furthermore, all of the nightclubs were open already! In the small square he crossed everyday… OK, it was unnecessary, but Mr. Theirsly's slow walking was enough of an excuse for a quick look into the shop window of town's erotic shop. Since David's birth it's been his only sexual experience. So let's start again: In a small square he crossed everyday he saw something what surely didn't bring him coveted joy. In the square, there was a big number of those funny guys – gamblers, croupiers, professional poker players and other chaps Bernard Theirsly always treated as inferior although he had never known one – cheering and celebrating. He sadly decided to give up his look to the shop window and started to go through the opposite side of the square. He sighed when he recalled that it was the International Day of Orgasm. (1)

"It was Garry, Garry Poker…," he heard suddenly from the group. His heart sank. Oh no, he groaned in his head. He pleadingly hoped to never hear the name Poker again. Although this wish could hardly be fulfilled as Johnnie Poker was the brother of his brother's wife… moment, he had no brother. Again, he was the husband of his sister wife… that's bullshit… husband of his wife's sister! That's it! And this is named brother-in-law. He pulled out his journal for writing the word down and remembering it.

Why he disliked Poker anyway? There were surely many reasons, but it'll be enough to point out three. Reason number one: he loved Lydia, younger sister of his spouse, but then Johnnie Poker married her instead. After that, Bernard married her significantly uglier and even more significantly stupid sister Olivia. Second reason: Johnnie Poker was, in the opinion of Bernard Theirsly, bigheaded brat. And because Bernard was bigheaded brat also, according to all unbiased sources, they hated each other like any two cocks on the wock. And the final reason, purely of his heart: Johnnie Poker was a bit of drunkard and a bit more of gambler. His job and hobby was gambling, which could make him lose enormous amount of money in a single night. Every time he had drunk himself into oblivion in a family reunion, he boasted that he owns a vast pile of poker chips in some underground bank in the middle of the city. (2) And one fine day he tricked Olivia (the significantly more stupid one) into giving him all of their(sly) savings. And if there is something Mr. Theirsly loves, it's money.

* * *

 _I hope it's not because of Poker…_

In the evening, Bernard Theirsly wearily watched the news. Moderator's babbling about cats confused by sun stains didn't really persuade him. His wife Olivia cradled their son David in her arms and strolled the living room nervously.  
"Olivia?" started Bernard cautiously, "Do you have any news about those… gamblers?"  
"Gamblers?! What the…" Olivia was so shocked that she dropped David, "since when are you interested in them?"  
Mr. Theirsly was pensive to the point of not noticing silent thump. "Oh, I just have a feeling that I've heard Potter's name from some creepy man on the street today. And all those funny things today… Just wondering whether my dear…," Mr. Theirsly checked his journal, "brother-in-law is involved?"  
David started to cry. "According to Lydia," said Olivia (and Bernard couldn't suppress an angry wink) and picked David up, "they're going to fly to Monaco today."  
"Oh, a little trip to the promised land!" snickered Bernard Theirsly.  
"What?" his wife gave him a dull look. "Nothing…" he waved his hand, leaned on the armchair and for some strange reason started to think about drills.

* * *

 _Our hero arrives to the stage_

At the end of Narrow street tottered man who clearly did not fit there. Narrow street was in a peaceful (and Theirslies would emphasize that also civilized) district and there were only a few hobos. He clutched a bottle of denaturized alcohol in one hand and walked in curves which were wider than Narrow street. He stopped at number 6 and hiccupped: "Ah, he-here they live."  
"Damn it, Professor!" stated a mysterious woman voice behind a telegraph pole. "It's here, number 4!"  
Man who resembled a train station doyen turned confusedly to the voice. "Prof-hic-pher-hic-or… 'fessor McDonald, what're you doing here?" A large cat got out from behind of the telegraph pole. "And why are you dressed like Catwoman?"  
"Masking!" she hissed. Man who was called Professor nodded and stroked his unkempt beard, thus disturbing a pair of turtles which flew away disgustedly. "And you should really use the anti-reptile shampoo I gave you last Christmas!"  
"Do you really believe that you are less conspicuous as a Catwoman than as an old woman?" Professor obviously noticed that his hiccupping disrupts the conversation so he stopped hiccupping.  
"They didn't have old woman mask in there, only cat and Mickey Mouse." explained Professor McDonald.  
"You can resemble old woman without a costume!"  
"Oh, shut up, Professor!" Professor McDonald detached the cat head and gave him an angry look, "you-know-what you can go!"  
"From quite reasonable woman like you, I would not expect an omission of the phrase 'Go fu…'" Proffesor's words were interrupted by a sudden noise of arriving plane. "And let's settle on the matter, I mean that kid, Garry or whats-his-name…" "So they are right in all of the casinos? That Dr. Walst… He-whose-name-can-not-be-pronounced was defeated by Garry Poker?" "Yes, Dr. Wasltessmerst ran out of chips indeed and now he's on the run, although it's hard to believe. He's defeated all of the other players, he's gathered all of the chips, and now he is defeated by a year-old kid… in poker! It's ridiculous, that young baby can't even know the rules! Even I understood for example blackjack when I had five years!"  
"And… what about his parents?" asked Professor McDonald in a constricted voice. Then she released her constricted coat and asked again in a normal tone.  
"Out," Professor confirmed her untold worries. "They had played with him few minutes before and he had outplayed them. They hanged themselves as soon as they understood the situation…," Professor contemplated as if he had to remember where he had stopped, "They were the last players who hadn't lost all their money to him…"  
Apart of you, Headmaster, I am perfectly aware of the school funds sneaked to Swiss banks, snickered Professor McDonald, but she said nothing. She stole all of the money intended for school canteen, but lost them all in slot machines as a hopeless gambler.  
"…and you surely know what this meant, Professor," the male Professor continued, "Thus he had all of the chips of all poker players and gamblers, except for one green chip they'd given him to play with… and I told them many times, don't give him those chips to play with, he can choke or swallow them!" Professor shook his head in disbelief. "But those idiots wouldn't listen to me. Hereby Wasltessmerst had to play with Garry as well in order to rule the entire gambling world."  
"And he's lost," responded Professor McDonald. "Doesn't it mean that Garry Poker rules all gamblers?"  
"It would if one wise Headmaster hadn't stole the chips. What good would this little tyke make of them anyway? So I sent them all anonymously to the Gambling department of ministry. They are sending them to gamblers now… well, I kept a little of it myself," he grinned mischievously, "and don't worry, you will also get some."  
"And what about Garry, will he get something as well?" Professor McDonald made the best mimic performance to pretend she cares about Garry's future more than about her money. But she was only a gambler, so her poker face wasn't that good. Professor found out her real thoughts almost at once: "Hahaha! But don't worry, I flipped a coin and it landed on tails, so I left some money to Garry as well. I deposited it in Poker's bank account."  
Professor McDonald's heart sank. She didn't know password to their account.  
"And now to the subject," returned the male Professor to the topic of conversation. When he wanted, he could resist senility for several hours. "Garry doesn't have a family, so we have to send him somewhere and he doesn't fit into the bus station lockers anymore. I tried to leave him at hospitals, Infant Care Centers and hell knows where else, but it wouldn't be for free. So I've decided to give him to his closest relatives – Theirsly's!"  
"Do you think it's wise?" expressed Professor McDonald her doubt. "She is as dumb as a bag of hammers and he thinks about drills all the time… even though he works in an insurance company!"  
"Do not judge anyone by who he is!" Professor instructed her. Then he started to think about it and mumbled for himself: "Oh wait, that's bullshit."  
"And where's Garry? Do you have him?"  
"Where would I have him, in my pocket? Furthermore, I'm not an au-pair to take care of unfamiliar babies. Hybrid will bring him anytime soon."  
"You would trust Hybrid with someone like that?" gasped Professor McDonald.  
"I wouldn't trust Hybrid with my baby, but luckily, Garry isn't mine," answered Man-who-still-could-not-be-introduced-as-there-was-no-chance. "Do you hear a Trabant car? Hybrid's arriving!"  
A pink Trabant car drove up to the Narrow Street making the unique two-stroke sound and stopped a meter before the mysterious man.  
"Hullo, Professor Humbledoor!" roared a thunderous voice from the car. Huge bearded person matching with the voice spent next ten minutes leaving the car. "I'm sorry I'm late, but on the D1 was traffic jam, an' at da Sous Junction I was chased by cops as y'know dat car's not 'xactly mine." He went to the luggage space and opened it.  
"So here ya are!" Hybrid picked a basket with a baby from the luggage compartment and held him in both hands. "Oh aren't we a beautiful baby?" He smiled at the baby and kissed it.  
"Oh, stop it, Hybrid, or it will catch something from you!" interrupted Professor Humbledoor, took the basket with baby, added a letter and put it before the number 6. Professor McDonald then moved it before number 4.  
"OK, that's done," rubbed Professor Humbledoor his hands, "will you take us to school, Hybrid?"  
"If ya've enough room at da luggage space…" grinned Hybrid wickedly.  
"I'll take a taxi," snapped Professor McDonald and vanished into the darkness.

* * *

(1) Although he was quite lucky – how many people could go around a sex shop in 1989?

(2) OK, he probably wasn't drunk into oblivion if he was able to say it.


	2. Chapter 2: The boy who won still lives

AN: Wow, I've reread the first chapter, and I couldn't believe how much worse were my English skills when I was originally translating it! Hopefully the chapter looks better now. Also thanks for the review! I'm also a great fan of Harry Poker, but I really love parodies. I don't really think they mean something bad for the actual story, after all only successful stories get parodied!

Chapter two will quickly move us through Garry's childhood to the moment when even he finds out who he is. And at the end we'll witness a disgusting business where one human being sells another one.

 **The boy who won still lives**

 _Garry's childhood_

"These Theirslies are really mad! You won't believe what happened! My neighbour said that their sly stepson Garey-or-what's-his-name outplayed four kids at the kindergarten in poker and took all of their toys!"  
"That's idiotic, since when do little kids know poker?"  
"Oh they don't… That's why he succeeded. But what on earth they were thinking of when they were learning him poker? What will become of him?"

"DEER SANTA,  
I WANT THAT CHILD RULETE FROM TESCO AS A CHRISMAS PRESEND.  
YOURS GARRY POKER  
7 YEARS"

"Garry, I know it's your birthday today," raged Uncle Bernard, "but this was the last time we took you to the ZOO!"  
Garry looked sadly on the ground.  
"Why the hell did you climb into that snake terrarium and tried to play with cards with him? This mustn't be repeated!"  
"But there wasn't a glass…"  
"That's why there were those red and white ribbons 'Do not enter' everywhere and like 50 signs stating 'Do not enter!' or 'Dangerous animals!'! And there were two security guys… I can't understand how you even managed to slip there!"  
"But that snake told me he wanted to play with me…" defended Garry himself.  
"Snakes don't speak!" shouted Uncle Bernard. "And from now I want to hear nothing about cards! And you will return all cards you have and I'll lock them forever!"  
"Even Pokémon cards?!"  
Uncle Bernard hesitated. "You can keep those, but only if you won't play poker with them!"

"Gambling is bad!" stated Uncle Bernard when they had arrived home. "Play with drills!" As Garry damaged all the furniture with the drill through the afternoon, he was soon banned from playing with drills as well.

"You're gambler! You're gambler!" jeered David. That was so unfair! Right, Garry started with slot machines when his uncle confiscated all the cards, but he lost at most half of his pocket money every month. Alright, he did lost 2500 crones in Pink Elephant's Bar yesterday, but he had won them before over some fellow pupils who were dumb or uninformed enough to play with him. Luckily, there were cards at the library!

"Dear Mr. and Mrs. Theirsly,  
I would like to inform you about Garry's unforgivable behavior at our school's skiing trip. He and some other students played poker in the evenings, which resulted in money shortage of the majority of other students on the second day. Please understand that a large number of parents had been saving for the trip for months! I do not consider teaching poker to children wise!  
Furthermore, owner of the hotel was also outplayed by your stepson. You are therefore expected to return the money by selling your land and cottage in Krkonoše.  
Yours sincerely  
Mgr. Jill Bungler  
Headmaster of school"

"Garry, have you thought about where will you go after elementary school already?" shouted Uncle Bernard into Garry's room.  
"No, I've got a plenty of time…" murmured Garry, threw away the exercise book with his undone homework and started Solitaire on his computer.  
"I've brought you some brochures of Economics and Management High School in Prague which were at my workplace!" Garry ignored it, but Uncle Bernard continued: "That wouldn't be bad, you could learn a lot there, economics, management…" (1)  
"Oh, right, I'm totally the right man for that school," murmured Garry again and then angrily hit the keyboard with his hand. He's lost that damn game again!

* * *

 _Letters, letters, letters…_

Day of choosing the high schools came nearer and nearer. Garry was looking sadly from the window and examining falling snowflakes. He has two days for choosing the high school… no, he has the last day for it, then he'll have to bring the signed application of his chosen high school into the class.  
He seriously thought that agriculture school at Jeseník will do, because that would mean he will not have to live with Theirsly's who made his life look like hell. For example, Aunt Olivia had commanded him to clean his room and clean the floor in the hall with serious face the day before. She acted as if his room needed to clean. No one's got lost in his room since he pinned a map of it on the door, and the unfortunate incident when two of his friends got lost there and firemen with dogs found them starving after two days was almost forgotten.  
Double ringing of the visitor's bell interrupted his thoughts. Postman, deduced Garry. He hoped desperately that the postman isn't bringing the sex magazine he ordered on Internet, but that magazine was expected to arrive the week after. He heard the confused voice of Uncle Bernard from the stairs: "Since when does post arrive at the Saturday morning?"  
Garry looked from the window again, but his thoughts were interrupted again by uncle's voice which made its way to him from the kitchen: "Oh, look, Garry's got a letter, hmm, formal envelope… There's something on the other side. It's from a school of gamb… Oh no, we can't let him join that lot! What would become of him?"  
"Gambler like his father… he would steal all our money!" gasped Aunt Olivia.  
Garry's heart and several other organs he could not identify (as he wasn't good at biology) leapt. His father was gambler! His aunt and uncle had never wanted to tell him anything about his parents. They had only told him that his parents worked at the circus and they were eaten by an anteater. He has not believed this story as much as when he was a baby since he'd seen anteater in the ZOO (yes, at the unfortunate visit). Furthermore he didn't manage to find any information about anteaters killing a human on the Internet.  
Garry went down and asked as nonchalantly as he could: "Have I got any letter?"  
"How could you?" shouted David from near to the television. "Does anyone of your friends know how to write?" Garry sent some obscene gestures to the David's direction.  
"How did you get that idea?" eyed Uncle Bernard Garry suspiciously. "It was just a…ummm… bill, yeah, the gas bill!"  
"We do not even have gas, everything's electric in this house!" raged Garry. "You think I'm a complete idiot?!"  
"Yeah, how did you find that out, brainy?" came another comment from near the television.  
"Shut the fuck up, sucker!" hissed Garry.  
Uncle Bernard gave him an angry look. It was obvious that he did not like words like that in his house, but he had resigned for every education of Garry a long time before. Garry turned to him again: "I wanna see that letter!"  
"It was a mistake, I've already…" Uncle Bernard covered the letter looking like ace of hearts by newspaper as secretly as he could, "…burned it."  
Garry was so angry that he didn't notice it. He made a face-heel turn and ran to his room again.  
Postman came four more times that evening. Garry heard Aunt Olivia's squeaking voice once: "No Garry Poker lives here! Stop bringing in the cards!"  
They've denied that he even lives there, they must be joking! Garry angrily smashed the keyboard again and he felt that has to find out which letter should he get next day.  
In the evening Garry couldn't sleep as he thought what does someone try to tell him. Formal envelope... formal envelope… Oh crap! Harry came through a terrible shock. If only it isn't from the court! Then he remembered that Uncle Bernard had said the letter was from school of gamb… before shouting that Garry shouldn't be like his father. And his aunt had said his father was gamb…ler. Garry's brain started to overheat. He was sure there is a solution, he just couldn't think of one. At five o'clock he finally decided that it would be pointless to try to fall asleep. He placed a blanket on his shoulders and went to the garden. Aunt and Uncle maybe won't wake up before the post's arrival and Garry will get the letter!  
He tripped over something living in the hall, and fell to the ground. "To hell with it!" he sweared, "That idiot David's forgotten to close the rabbits cage or what?" Silent sounds of hopping disappearing into the kitchen proved that his suspicion was correct.  
He stood up and arrived to the garden. It's freezing here, he thought, so he covered himself with blanket, sat on the garden chair and immediately fell asleep.  
He was woken up by Uncle Bernard who was starting his usual Sunday jogging. "What are you doing here, stupid boy?" he barked.  
Garry was too sleepy to lie. "I'm waiting for the post."  
Uncle Bernard chuckled: "There's no post on Sunday!" and started to run.

* * *

 _Intriguing intermezzo_

A gloomy bearded man with a funny top hat stood in the highest tower of a castle. He held a tossed paper in his hand. He read it for the tenth time, tore it apart and then ate it. Recycled paper is worse than before, thought Niggerus Humbledoor. Well, unfortunately, it's time for plan B, he sighed.  
"Call Hybrid!" said Humbledoor to his secretary.  
"Do you consider it wise, sir? Last time he was here, he destroyed the whole room. You should at least teach him to use the door!" His secretary obviously wasn't pleased that she was to meet the bearded, stupid man.  
Humbledoor descended the stairs and threw a hateful grin to her.  
"I do not pay you for telling me what is and what isn't wise." He buried the sunglasses in his pocket and made a mischievous look. "I pay myself for this. And I do so richly."  
The fuming secretary went to find Hybrid and while the noise of her high-heel shoes was fading in a distance, Professor started to wait. His secretary surely need a long time for explaining to Hybrid what to do, and that time can be spent by creating the timetables for the next year and eating the chicken hamburger which was prepared by Professor K.F.C. McDonald. He unwrapped the hamburger and took a bite. Damn it, why does she have to use so much fat, he sighed, has she ever heard of healthy food?  
Loud running sounds from the corridor ended his thoughts. It seemed that Hybrid was on the way. The Professor dropped the timetables, hided under the desk and waited.  
He heard a sound resembling a chased elephant which just rushed to the room and did not bother with opening a door. Secretary's words: "Hybrid's here!" were totally useless in this scenario.  
"Hullo, Professer," shouted Hybrid, "I've heard yeh wanted me… Hey, Professer, are yeh here?"  
The funny top hat appeared above the desk. "Y-y-yeah, I'd want something from you, Hybrid."  
"Wow, Professer, are yeh a wizard or what? A speaking hat… I've never seen dat in my whole life! How are yeh doin' dis?"  
"Oh my god, Hybrid, you're really an idiot." Humbledoor stood up with some problems.  
"Oh it's yeh, I didn't recognize yeh under da hat!"  
Professor gave him a patronizing look. "Now to the matter, I want something from you."  
"Fer yeh everything!" smiled Hybrid.  
"I would assign the mission to someone more intelligent and more reliable, the character of the assignment is however the one which needs physically strong human being able to being feared for his constitution and this drastically narrows the number of people suitable for it…"  
"Oh, yeh're very smart if yeh can say a sentence like dat and not get lost in it! I understood it only ter 'would'."  
Humbledoor cursed himself in his thoughts for his custom of speaking in long and difficult sentences. Or at least for his custom of speaking in them to Hybrid.  
"OK, Hybrid." Professor Humbledoor scratched his nose which looked like it had been broken many times before. It certainly wasn't surprising as he was used to provoking neighbour fights in the pub. "OK, Hybrid, first you take a Trabant car..."  
"Mine or steal someone else's? Or borrow, like yeh say..."  
"Steal," decided Humbledoor, "so they won't have a chance to find us. Then, you'll go for Garry Poker..."

* * *

 _They've come for him already_

Uncle Bernard surprised the whole family in the afternoon with his words: "Change of plans for the next week! We'll start our holiday this evening! Pack your things, pack ski, David, we're going skiing!"  
Aunt Olivia made a stupid look. Uncle Bernard stood next to her and whispered: "If we move, those spies can't find Garry and he will not have a chance to apply for you-know-which school..."  
"I don't know, the Economics High School?"  
"No, you know," Uncle Bernard spoke as quiet as it was possible, "the gambling school! He can apply for the Economics High School in the second round."  
The afternoon trip to the mountains didn't appeal to Garry at all. He understood perfectly that it blew his chance to find out the sender of those letters away. His mood certainly wasn't improved by looks of the hotel where they arrived. It looked as if the last changes of its appearance had been made before the introduction of first laws of statics and then the main combat operations of both world wars had been fought here. A sign above what arguably used to be reception was proudly telling: Welcome at the hotel Lynx!  
It looked like they were the only visitors of this hotel. As they'd arrived late in the evening, they went to the bed pretty soon. Garry's bed was producing such terrible noises because of the smallest of moves that Garry couldn't sleep again. He took his phone, ducked under the blanket and started to play games, while the bed was making noises which resembled the worst performance of drunken violin players. The bed refused to be quiet even though he was moving only his fingers. He stopped playing when he didn't manage to win Hearts after forty tries and then he looked on the display for time. It showed 11:59 p.m. Tick, tick, he thought, ten seconds to midnight. Tick, tick, it was five seconds to midnight...four seconds...three seconds...two seconds...one second.  
There was a sound resembling a chased elephant which just rushed to the room and did not bother with opening a door. Words: "Hybrid's here!" would be in this scenario totally useless, at least for the reader. If someone said it in the hotel, it would somehow explain the situation, although it would probably make no one relax.  
"Yeah, I fergot ter say knock-knock," the thunder told them.  
"Who are you?" squeaked an afraid voice from under the blanket in the corner, where probably were located the Theirslies. "And what do you want? We don't have any valuable thing!"  
"Yeah, I shoulda introduced meself. I'm Hybrid, bodyguard of Polná school... and in ma free time I work as a xperi...mental gardener an' gamekeeper."  
"There must have been a mistake," Uncle Bernard didn't know himself where he had found enough courage to raise a half of a head above the blanket. Of course, he wasn't brave enough to raise his head, so it looked as if Aunt Otylia spoke in deep voice: "We have nothing in common with THEM so stop bothering us!"  
Hybrid sat on the David's bed. David ran squealing from the bed and hide in the dresser. "I'm not here... hic... 'cause of ya, I wanna boy named..."  
"No boy's here, get out!" the dresser informed him.  
Hybrid opened the drawer with his giant hand, took David, jerked with him and breathed on him. In his breath was enough alcohol for horse to pass out. David blacked out.  
"Stop torturing our boy!" shouted the blanket with squeaky Aunt Otylia's voice.  
Hybrid did not pay any attention to it. "I wanna boy named Garry Poker! Is he here?"  
"No!" stated the blanket again.  
"Yes," a tiny voice from under the bed disagreed. Garry slowly looked out: "Did you say a school of gambling?"  
Hybrid turned, looked on Garry, then he took a paper out of his pocket, checked it, opened, looked on the photo on it, then looked on Garry again, on photo again... "Yeah, it looks like yer Garry. At least ya look like 'im greatly. Is it yeh?" he showed the photo to him.  
"That's my photo as a fifth grader! Where did you get it?"  
"Can't tell ya, top secret. At least fer dem." Pointed Hybrid to the shaking blanket.  
Garry moved his body from under the bed and sat on it. He was trying to understand the events of last 24 hours. "So, there is a school of gambling?"  
"What!?" Hybrid angrily turned to the supposed direction of Theirsly's. "Yer didn't say anyfing ter him? Garry Poker, de greatest hero for all gamblers, an' he doesn't know he's... de greatest hero for all gamblers?"  
"We want nothing in common with them!"  
"An' dey want nofing in common with mugs like yer, I can swear on ma name which is..."  
"Hybrid?" smiled Garry.  
"Oh, look, da boy knows me!" Hybrid came through a pleasant surprise. "Garry, I have a letter from Professer Humbledoor fer yer, it's all explained dere. I wouldn't explain it that good." He took six bottles from his huge suitcase. Under close investigation Harry noticed that one of the bottles is empty and it contains a rolled paper. (2) The substance in other bottles could be easily recognisable from Hybrid's breath.  
"Who's Professor Humbledoor?" Garry asked Hybrid while trying to get the paper out of the bottle. It was pretty hard because of remainings of the original contain of the bottle, which hurted like boiling Tabasco and Garry even thought it had already started to etch his skin.  
"What!?" Hybrid angrily turned to the supposed direction of Theirsly's. "Yer didn't say even dis ter him? Niggerus Humbledoor, the best blackjack player in da world an' Garry doesn't know he's..."  
"...the best blackjack player in the world?"  
"Now, yer really smart, Garry, like any oder Poker. 'Xactly like yer dad... well he was a bit of a gambler and more dan a bit of an asshole – he's outplayed me in a pub many times an' took all ma money, but he was really smart, he always was..."  
"Why should we tell him about some old stupid mad man?" Aunt Otylia screamed. Hybrid pierced the blanket with an angry look. "NEVER INSULT DAT OLD IDI... NIGGERUS HUMBLEDOOR IN FRON' OF ME! Professer Humbledoor pays me good amount of money for breaking noses of people who speak ill of him!"  
Garry's got enough of the pain caused by Hybrid's alcohol and broke the bottle.  
Then he picked up a package of letters which was there.

 _Hybrid, when you're in Prague, DON'T FORGET the secret mission! If you forget it again or fuck it up, you're cleaning the toilets the whole rest of your life! And tell no one!  
N.H._

That's not the right message. Garry threw the paper to the bottles and took another paper. This should be it.

 _High school of gambling and card games in Polná  
In Polná, 19_ _th_ _February 2003_

 _Dear Mr. Garry Poker,  
I inform you that you have been permitted to study at High school of gambling and card games in Polná by decision of Niggerus Humbledoor, (the wisest and smartest headmaster) and the staff.  
You are to arrive to school at 1_ _st_ _September this year. School fee costs 50,- gold chips per school year. You are to pay your school fee for first term to account number 0085217355/0666 no later than 31_ _st_ _August. Constant symbol 0909, write your personal identification number as a variable symbol. It is possible to ask for remission of payment no later than 1_ _st_ _July._

 _The appendix contains the list of books and other pieces of equipment you have to acquire before the start of the first term._

 _Best wishes  
Niggerus Humbledoor  
the Headmaster  
(BSC, SSC, Ace of aces, Order of Diamonds, Order of Czech Railway I. class, The smartest of the smartest, Card Cheater of highest category, The most humble gambler, etc.)_

"Cool!" breathed Garry. "So I'll attend a school of gambling... supergreatwowcool!"  
Mr. Theirsly meanwhile managed to recover from the surprise and he raised his whole head: "Garry's going nowhere! I don't want to go on with such nonsense. You will now leave and never come back!"  
Hybrid cleared his mouth, turned to Mr. Theirsly, leaned to him and whispered: "Maybe a little money can change yer opinion?"  
"Ho-how many?" Mr. Theirsly stuttered. Things started to look better for him.  
"I was assigned by Professer Humbledoor ter give yer dis," Hybrid gave a paper to Mr. Theirsly, "dere are his conditions an' yer reward." Mr. Theirsly took the paper and disappeared under the blanket again. They were making quiet whispers from there for some time. Garry knew his step-family pretty well, so he knew the result.  
Mr. Theirsly's head appeared again. "W-Well okay, we... agree. From September to June he'll be in your school and on vacation in our house. When will we get the..." Mr. Theirsly looked to Garry who used his best 'this-conversation's-not-about-me' look, "m-money?"  
"Yer'll get half o' dem now. I'll pick Garry up in da last week o' August an' yer will get da secon' half – hand ter hand. So, sign dis paper an' firs' half is yers."  
"What's that?" Uncle Bernard asked Garry and he took a paper carefully from Hybrid.  
"It says dat you agree dat Garry'll study at our school," Hybrid answered and gave a pen to Mr. Theirsly, "an' yer can't back out! If yer making problems..." Hybrid didn't end it, he just stretched his fingers.  
Mr. Theirsly jerked and signed the paper.

* * *

1 If you know something else which can be learnt at school like that, tell me.

2 Can the bottle be truly empty if it contains a rolled paper?


	3. Chapter 3: Vamos a comprar!

Chapter three, where funny creature called Hybrid introduces the gambling world to Garry. We will look into a bank, into one really interesting casino and last, but not least, into gamblers' shopping avenue.

 **Vamos a comprar!**

 _Farewell to Narrow Street_

Mr. Theirsly sat at the kitchen table and was counting something. "When we get... you-know-which money... we can finally afford the new car! It looks like we finally profit from knowing _them_!"  
Meanwhile, Garry was sitting in his room on his bag. He had everything packed up for four weeks now... well, not exactly, he'd returned from summer camp four weeks ago and he hasn't cleared his bag since, he's just packed every useful thing he encountered. He couldn't wait to finally go to gambling school with Hybrid.  
He looked through the window. It was the last Friday of summer vacation. He hoped Hybrid would come for him that day, because he didn't want to be at Theirsly's another weekend. He stretched himself on the bed and took the letter from Polná from his pocket. He read it every day, because he still hadn't truly believed he's lucky enough to get there. He also had a bad long-term memory.  
The unique two-stroke sound from the street filled the room. Garry happily jumped up, hit the ceiling with his head and blacked out.

* * *

 _Supergreatwowcool_

He had a dream that he's riding an angry bull at the rodeo. Everything was jerking up and down, which finally woke him. He's carefully opened one eye. He was in a car. To be exact, he was in a Trabant car. To be even more exact, he was lying on the floor of the luggage space of Trabant combi.  
He raised his head and saw the giant who was on both back seats in front of him. Hybrid turned to Garry and noticed that he is awake: "Hi Garry, yeh've been kinda sleepin', so I've packed yeh as a luggage. Hahaha."  
Confused Harry looked around, but he couldn't see through Hybrid. "Who's the driver, Hybrid?"  
"I am, of course."  
"But," Garry raised his body up in order to see to the front part of the car, "you're sitting on the backseat?"  
"I've upgraded it," Hybrid laughed, "I've decreased de number of seats, that's why yeh are in de luggage space!" Garry finally stretched himself to look to the whole car. He couldn't see much, as there was hardly enough room for Hybrid in the car. Garry couldn't understand how this giant could go through the door.  
"In few minutes time we're in de centre." Hybrid's informed him. Pretty uselessly – Garry could see the Letná tunel even through a filthy window.  
In last few months, Garry had been thinking about so many questions he wanted to ask Hybrid.  
"Hybrid, how could you find me in the winter on the mountains?"  
"Dat was pretty easy, firstly: We have bugs in yer home from yer birsday. Gotta keep an eye on such an important person, yeh know..." Hybrid stopped at once as if he had told something he shouldn't have said. "An' also," he continued, "when I was trying ter find yeh, janitor from anoder hotel told me... it seemed he wanted revenge as he's said somefink like 'Beat him up fer me when yer done wif him'. "  
Garry didn't react. He had more important things to ask. "And Hybrid, you've mentioned I'm... somehow famous?"  
"Of course!" bellowed Hybrid. "Yeh're De boy who's won, after all! All gamblers got deir chips back 'cause of yeh!" Garry looked confusedly to him.  
"Yeh really don't know anyfink, right?"  
"Yeah..."  
"Well den I'll try ter explain it somehow. Hmm, how ter start... What d'yeh fink is de most important for all gamblers?"  
"Money?"  
"Yeah, money! Well, an' an old gambling legend says dat person who outplays all gamblers an' gets all deir bucks'll be deir master. When I was little... when I was young, I laughed like all oders. But before like twenty years an evil gambler appeared, really evil, very very evil fer real, who's..."  
"...eaten little kids?" Garry laughed.  
"Garry, it was not fun, dis darkplayer – dat's how dese evil, really bad an' terrible gamblers are sometimes called..."  
"What is his name?"  
"Well, we normally call 'im Yeh-can-guess-who or He-whose-name-can-not-be-pronounced."  
"...He-whose-name-can-not-be-pronounced? What kind of idiot calls himself so?" couldn't Garry stop himself.  
"Garry, look, dis really is serious. So dis He-whose..."  
"WHAT IS HIS NAME?"  
"Garry, I won't probably tell yeh his name, 'cause I... can't pronounce it, well. Like many of oders can't. Only really smart gamblers like Professor Humbledoor can tell it even widout a stutter. Dis name's really tough an' I'm not able ter say it."  
"At least try it," begged Garry.  
"Oh well, fer yeh 'nyfink," Hybrid breathed in a vast amount of oxygen, "Doctor Wastsme... doctor Wattseme... doctor Wotsams... Somefink like dat. Professor Humbledoor'll tell yeh his name later."  
"Okay. And what was with him?"  
"Oh, de story! Well, dis evil, dis very much very evil darkplayer decided to make dat story true. An' he was really smart an' good an' started ter outplay gamblers one by one... Well, dose beaten gamblers who'd lost all deir chips had to obey him. He only couldn't beat Humbledoor, I mean Professor Humbledoor, 'cause he'd... hide all his money... but dat doesn't matter now, so never speak of it, 'specially not in front of tax collector, right?" Garry nodded.  
"Well an' some fourteen years ago, Yeh-can-guess-who'd almost all gamblers beaten, only yer parents remained... so..."  
Garry opened his mouth in surprise. He already knew that his parents were gamblers, but he couldn't get Theirsly's to say anything more. They insisted on the story about antler who had eaten them in circus. "W-what happened?" stuttered.  
"Yeh don't know even this?" It was so shocking for Hybrid that he's stopped the car on the edge of the road and turned to Garry. "Well... how ter say it... Yer parents were really good gamblers, really great an' I liked dem, but He-whose-name-cannot-be-pronounced knew many tricks oder gamblers didn't, so dey didn't stand a chance. They also lost 'veryfink... an' as dey knew what dat means they've suic..." Hybrid torn part of padding of the ceiling and blew his nose loudly. Man in car which was next to them got afraid and started to look where is the steamboat he's heard.  
"Suicided," understood Garry. But some parts of the story still didn't make sense for him. "Well and why that Doctor Wandsomething didn't make to rule over the whole gambling world? What happened?"  
"Well, dat's de biggest mystery of all," Hybrid wept, "Yer parents gave yeh a green chip fer playin'. So He-whose-name-can-not-be-pronounced had ter defeat yeh as well ter rule over de world... An' he failed. He's lost an' den fled an' now he's hidin' somewhere."  
"Supercool!" reacted Garry happily. "So I'm really famous, right?!"  
"Yep, Garry, in de gambling world everyone loves yeh, so be careful, or it'll fill yer head!"  
"Supergreatwowcool!" Garry was repeating it without growing tired of it. "I'm famous, I'm cool, I'm the boss!"

* * *

 _In the bank_

"Get out, Garry, we've ter go ter the bank," Hybrid meanwhile started his trying to get out of the car himself, "as we stopped here, we can take a walk ter de bank from here, it's near."  
"What can we do there?"  
Hybrid looked on him even more dumbfounded than he looked most of the time. "Widdraw yer money, of course!"  
"But, Hybrid, do you even know where I've my account?"  
"Oh Garry, we're not going fer normal money, we go fer gambling money!" laughed Hybrid. "What would Czech crowns even be at Polná? We pay only wif chips in de gambling world, yeh've surely seen dem somewhere, fer example in casino..."  
"Yeah, I've seen them."  
"Well, it's really easy, de most valuable're de gold one's... I don't have any, but it just has dat gold linin' an' in de middle is on one side somefink like red an' black chessboard, only dat it's not square, it's like a stream o' light, an' on de oder side is written '1000'. It's also called 'the whole one'. Yeh can change dis gold one fer four silver ones, dey look like dat..." Hybrid threw out some little things like toilet paper for whole family or hot-dog stand while searching for his purse in his pockets. "Dere it is!" he finally cheered and handed the silver chip to Garry, who put it immediately in his pocket. "Dere's written '250' on it an' it's sometimes called 'quarter'. An' now it's a little bit tougher, yeh can change the gold one fer ten red ones also, yeh can read dere '100' an' dey're also called 'hundreds'..."  
"Oh, really?" To Garry's great disappointment, Hybrid didn't hand him this one.  
"An' den dere's a blue one, dat's half of red one an' '50' is written on it, one blue is fer five violet ones, where it's written '10', an' de smallest is de white one, called baby, where is written '1'."  
"Hmm, I won't remember that," sighed Garry, "and how many Czech crowns are in the white one?"  
"White one's ten Czech crowns, Garry. Dat's why we've one oder, last chip, used fer payin' drinks an' so on. No one's usin' it fer bettin', maybe kids when dey play... Dis green chip's slightly smaller dan oders, dere's written '1/10' on it, fer ten o' dem make a white one. But everyone's callin' it just 'git'." Hybrid breathed in and continued. "Well an' dis chip made yeh a hero, Garry. When yeh started ter play wif Yeh-can-guess-who, yeh've had only dis smallest chip. Dat can be a lesson fer yeh..."  
"Never give up?" tried Garry.  
"No, yeh fool!" knocked Hybrid on his forehead. "Never play wif someone who's more money dan you, unless yeh've got ace up a sleeve!"  
"But that doesn't even..." Garry stopped in front of large letters ING. They've arrived to the bank. "ING? I've thought we're going to gamblers' bank?"  
"Yeah, It's National Gamblers' Bank, Garry," winked Hybrid.  
They've walked in. Garry looked around. (1)  
"So there is a central chip storage here?"  
"Yeah, dis is our bank fer all gamblers," answered Hybrid, stood by panel of services and started to read it. "1- Cash transactions, 2-Cashless transactions, 3-Currency exchange... Ah, here we are, 9."  
"But there's no text next to 9," retorted Garry.  
"Of course not, dis gambling bank here is top secret, Garry!" thundered Hybrid's voice through the hall. Several people turned. "Click on 9."  
Garry clicked on 9 and got the number 975.  
"Well we're gonna sit down an' wait fer dem ter call us." Hybrid sat on four chairs, while Garry had to sit on the edge of flowerpot with palm. They've just called the number 971.  
"Hybrid, why were you named Hybrid, anyways?" asked Garry.  
"What?" Hybrid threw a confused look to him. "My name isn't Hybrid."  
"But I call you so? And when you arrived to the mountain hotel, you've told us your name is Hybrid..."  
"Oh no, Garry, I've never said dat my name's Hybrid. I was sayin' I am hybrid! Got it?"  
"No?" It was Garry now who threw a confused look to Hybrid. "You're hybrid? What does that mean?"  
Hybrid was quiet and pretended that it isn't about him. He started to look on his hands and pretended that he is busy with filth under his nails. He took a hammer and a chisel from one of his pockets and started to chop it. (2)  
Garry gave up and tried a different question: "And what's your name?"  
"Hmmm, if yeh want ter know... my name's Rumeus," uttered Hybrid, "but call me Hybrid, please."  
After twenty minutes they were finally called to bank officer. After calling their number, a small man in stripped shirt and glasses took them into the part of building behind the hall and showed to fire staircase which lead to underground:  
"This way."  
They descended to ground floor, where was Information desk located. On the desk, a pair of high-heel shoes was located. Long legs connected the high-heel shoes with an extraordinarily bored woman reading Cosmopolitan. Hybrid cleared his throat.  
The woman unhappily stopped reading Cosmopolitan, moved her legs from the desk and looked on them. (3)  
"Can I help you?" she asked.  
"Yeah," smiled Hybrid.  
The woman rolled her eyes to the ceiling. "How?"  
"Mr. Garry Poker here would like ter withdraw some chips from his account," pointed Hybrid to Garry. "Listen, Mr. Monster, we have to deal with someone like you every week, with people who try to pretend they are Garry Poker who wants to withdraw some money from his account... You've surely _accidentally_ lost his key and forgotten the password, or am I mistaken!?"  
Hybrid's cheeks turned red. "Dat's a mistake, miss, dis is really Garry Poker! I've got somewhere..." Hybrid started to seek something in his pockets, then he finally pulled out a considerably dirty paper and handed it to the receptionist. "...a letter from Niggerus Humbledoor, who deposited dis money here a long time ago!"  
The woman started to examine the paper. "Anyone could write this," she said doubtfully. "I shall call him," she finally decided and went to the telephone.  
"Hello, honey," she started a call joyfully, "what do you mean by 'Who's there?' Look, there's a monster here with an idiot who claims to be Garry Poker and they have a letter – they say you've written it... I'll read it to you..." she repeated the letter into the telephone. "Yeah, yeah, of course I will, dear. I'll arrive at the 3rd, see ya!"  
From that point, everything went perfectly smooth. The woman led them into the next room, where she left some instructions for guards. Apart of these guards, four doors leading to vaults were in the room, along with one tunnel leading somewhere far away. This tunnel caught Garry's attention at once: "Where does it lead?"  
"It leads into de asylum," answered Hybrid.  
"Into the asylum?" Garry was pretty shocked by the answer. "Why?"  
"Well, Garry, dey say yeh've to be mad ter try ter rob dis bank..."  
Garry's vault was behind the door with a spade symbol. They've arrived to the vault, Hybrid found a small key in one of his tiniest pockets and handed it to Garry. "Well, Garry, now dis is all yers."  
Garry looked into the vault and shouted happily: "Cool, I'm rich!" He took fifty gold ones from the wealth and stocked his wallet with handful of smaller ones.  
"Yeh don't have ter take dat much, jus' fer de shoppin'," assured him Hybrid, "yeh can widdraw yer bucks in Polná as well."  
Garry signed the payment order, hereby sending fifty gold chips to the account of the Polná school. When they were passing reception on their way back, the woman stopped them and waved with a package. "Hey, stop! Mr. Monster, you have a package for Humbly stored here and a message as well!" The woman handed the package to Hybrid and started to read the letter out loud: "Hybrid, you old idiot, I remind you of picking up this package every time you go to Prague. If you forgot it again, I'll be feeding you to crocodiles."  
Hybrid took the package and turned to Garry: "Oh yeah, I'd almost ferget da package fer Humbledoor. Sometimes he lets me do some finks he'd never believe anyone else wis." The receptionist snorted and returned to Cosmopolitan.

* * *

 _Cool alley_

They returned to the street. "Well, let's go ter Cool alley!" exclaimed Hybrid happily. Then they managed to squeeze into the car again and Hybrid drove to the Prague suburbs. He steered into small filthy street which Garry would avoid even with his pockets full of hand grenades.  
"Here we are!" pointed Hybrid to large neon name of the shop.  
"Queen of Hearts Bar," read Garry the name of a building, which could be maybe called a house by happy optimists, and threw a surprised look to Hybrid.  
"Yeah, yeah, dat's it," said Hybrid and entered. Garry quickly followed him.  
"Like usually, Hybrid?" A barman smiled to Hybrid, took a large bottle and started to fill it with rum.  
Hybrid licked his lips. "Naah, I can't, school business... but only a bit!"  
He drank it with one gulp, burped and returned the bottle on bar. "Aaah, well I'll drink anoder, but I've got ter go den. I'm wif Garry Poker."  
Barman looked on him in disbelief. "Drunk already, aren't we?"  
"Nah, dis really is Garry Poker!" shouted Hybrid and the whole bar seemed to start whispering.  
An old lady with crutches came slowly from one of the tables in the back of the bar: "If he's really Garry Poker, why wouldn't he show us his famous scar!"  
"Which scar?" turned Garry to her.  
"The scar He-whose-name-cannot-be-pronounced made to you!"  
Garry moved his hair from his forehead: "I don't have a scar!"  
"Not on your forehead," croaked the old woman, "if you really are Garry Poker, you should've a scar... on your butt!"  
Garry's cheeks went red. "Maybe I do... I won't show you my ass!" He turned to Hybrid: "What does this mean, Hybrid?"  
"Yeah, yeh see, I kinda fergot ter say dis..." Hybrid mumbled. "When yeh beated... Yeh-can-guess-who... well, he was pretty angry so when he lost he kicked yer ass. An' as he wasn't used ter shortenin' his nails, yeh've a scar of deir shape."  
"That would explain its shape!" Garry hit his forehead in understanding. "My doctor couldn't find out how did I get it!"  
He lowered his trousers and showed them his scar.  
"Yipee, it's Garry Poker!" "Garry Poker's here!" His revelation clearly caused a celebration.  
A tall skinny man tried to get to Garry. "H-h-hi G-g-g-garry! N-n-nice to see you..."  
"Ahh, dis is professor Birell, from Polná, he'll teach yeh Defence against cheatin'." Explained Hybrid and lowered his head to Garry's. "He's drunk like usually, so he stutters a bit."  
Professor Birell turned to Hybrid and nearly fell: "We-we-we should drink together again, Hybrid."  
"Of course, well I'm at da Town hall every evenin', so we'll surely meet dere," Hybrid patted his back, "an' now we'll go, much ter do terday..."  
They left Queen of Hearts by back entrance. They were in a small street which was considerably colder than the previous one. "Well, now we're in da Cool Alley, Garry!" explained Hybrid. "Normal people won't get here, dis is a street only fer gamblers. Here we'll get everyfink yeh'll need."  
Garry was still looking around. The street was full of shops. There were card symbols everywhere – hearts, diamonds, spades and clubs. Gambling machines were glittering on every corner and many adverts were promising a large win in casino. Garry felt like on cloud nine.  
"Look what we've ter buy," said Hybrid.  
Garry took his letter from Polná and started to read.

 _High school of gambling and card games in Polná_

 _Appendix number 1_

 _These books are needed at Polná school:  
Ferdinand Card: Large book of all types of cards  
Jindřich Peschichak: The history of card games  
Bořislav Rérych: The Polná school  
Petr Zazvoral: Blackjack and other basic games  
John House Building: Past and present of card colours  
Vojtěch Omasta, Slavomír Ravik: Players-cards-card games (part I.+II.)_

 _Other compulsory educational things:  
Pack of 32 cards – one picture  
Pack of 32 cards – two pictures (+ aces, sevens)  
Pack of 52 cards – standard format  
Pack of 52 cards – little solitaire format  
Pack of 108 cards (+ 4 Joker cards)  
Pack of UNO cards  
Sleeve-pocket for cards_

"Bloody hell!" shouted Garry, scared of the list.  
"What?" Hybrid casted a surprised look on him. "Dis school won't be a hell, yeh'll see. It's not so bad."  
"No, I mean, look on the list, I can't read that much books in my entire life!" moaned Garry.  
"Nah, don't be afraid, Garry, I was finkin' of da same fink when I started studyin' in Polná," tried Hybrid to cheer him up, "so yeh've nufink ter worry 'bout."  
"So, you've studied in Polná as well?" asked Garry happily.  
"Ummm, I wouldn't call it studyin' dat much, but yeah, I attended it fer few years..." answered Hybrid. "I was expelled in my second year, but dat won't happen ter yeh."  
They've bought the books without a problem. Garry was lowering under its weight, so they've decided to left the books above the Queen of Hearts, where they had a room (as Hybrid was barman's friend). Then they went to buy cards. Garry's always chosen the most expensive pack, so his coins were disappearing with a lightning speed, furthermore Hybrid didn't let him to win some chips in poker.  
"Yeh can play when yer of age," he said, "an' now we've ter buy the sleeve-pocket!" he reminded Garry and pointed on the sign of the nearest shop which exclaimed: Dr. _Olli Van, hand-made sleeve-pockets.  
_ After purchase at Olli Van's they had everything at last.  
"Wait, Garry," smiled Hybrid, "I want ter buy yeh a present fer yer birfday."  
"But it's not my birthday today," objected Garry, "my birthday's in the start of July!"  
"Dat doesn't matter." Hybrid wasn't persuaded in the slightest. "As any student in Polná can have one pet, I'd like ter buy yeh one!"  
"And which one?"  
"Well, kids usually have a guinea pig, dog or rabbit..."  
"These are all boring," smirked Garry, "anything else?"  
"I could buy yeh a post cat, den..."  
"Post cat?" Garry's mouth fell. "Gamblers use cats for bringing post?"  
"Of course," nodded Hybrid. "Dey're very smart. An' also very common. At least dey were two hundred years ago, when we started ter use dem."  
So they bought a white cat with black spots in the pet shop. Hybrid insisted that Garry has to name it, so Garry after short waiting chose to name it Bloody.  
"So, Garry," rubbed Hybrid happily his hands, when they returned to Queen of Hearts, "now we're free fer da rest of Saturday, an' I'll get yeh ter da train to Polná at Sunday afternoon. We'll meet here tomorrow, one o'clock, right?"  
"OK," agreed Garry, "and what will you do now?"  
"Well, if yeh'll need me, I'll be in Queen of Hearts bar anytime."

* * *

1 A description of the bank should be provided. For the sake of realistic story, I've visited the ING Bank in Prague. When I started to move around and take notes, the police was called. After two days on the police station, I can finally continue.

2 Hammer in one hand, chisel in second hand, and he was cleaning the filth off the third hand...

3 Garry and Hybrid. Not legs.


	4. Chapter 4: The train to Polná

Chapter four is where we arrive with a help of modern technology to the place where the majority of the story will take place. Garry will meet several important characters and make new friends on the way. Some of the new characters will also make the story more beautiful.

 **The train to Polná**

 _Platform 8_

"We've ter go by underground, we wouldn't fit inter da car," repeated Hybrid again when he unsuccessfully tried again to squeeze himself, Garry, Bloody and luggage into the Trabant.  
"And can we go to the underground with a pet?" asked Garry.  
"I hope so," answered Hybrid, "at least, I was never kicked out of da underground, an' I'd once a pair of crocodiles, as dere were too much of dem in castle zoo."  
Nothing could surprise Garry now, so he just took picked Bloody up and they moved to the station of Prague underground.  
When they were boarding the C line, they've met a group of controllers, but most of them shouted something in Czech to Japanese tourists. The last one, as soon as he saw Hybrid approaching, turned and controlled elder married couple with crutches, which just came in the opposite direction.  
"So, Garry," exclaimed Hybrid after arrival to the hall of Prague train station, "buy a ticket. I'll buy somefink ter drink at dat stand over dere."  
Garry moved to one of the windows: "Hello, ticket to Polná, please."  
Young woman behind a window wrote something into a computer, then looked to Garry: "Polná in Šumava mountains? Through Budějovice?"  
"No," explained Garry, "the other one, in Bohemian Highland."  
The woman wrote something into the computer again: "I am sorry, sir, but trains are no more departing to Polná."  
Garry sighed: "But I need to go there!" He didn't know it would be so complicated.  
"I cannot help you," apologized the young woman, "I cannot sell you a ticket to station which is not one of tariff items of České dráhy."  
"Young man," said a voice from behind his back, "don't prolong it! There are many other people who'd like to buy a ticket today!"  
Garry turned: "I also want to buy a ticket, old woman. If you're in a hurry, go to another queue!"  
The woman stared on him, shocked. "What an outrage, teenagers are terrible these days!" she fumed and went to the next window.  
Garry turned again to the young woman: "Will you sell me the ticket or not?"  
"I can't," she explained, "even if I wanted, I don't have Polná in system."  
"Garry, Garry," approaching Hybrid shouted, "what're yeh doin' here?"  
"Guess what, ummm... buying a ticket?" Garry was growing tired of the situation.  
"Here?"  
Garry pointed on the sign above: "Na-tio-nal ti-ckets! Where do you think I should buy the tickets?"  
Hybrid grasped Garry's elbow and moved him from the ticket office. "Oh all right, I keep fergettin' how much yeh don't know. Look over dere to da opposite side, what do yeh see?"  
"Travel agency Full house," read Garry, "so what?"  
"Well dere we buy tickets ter Polná," Hybrid told him, "full house, in poker, got it? Dat's our agency."  
In the travel agency, Garry bought the tickets almost without a problem. Only man behind the window relentlessly rejected offering Garry a discount because of his Junior passport, and tried to explain that all students travelling to Polná pay the same price. In the end, Garry resigned, took the ticket and returned to Hybrid to the hall.  
"Where does it depart?" he asked and watched the departure sign. "I can't see a departure to Polná..."  
"Why, platform eight," said Hybrid and set off to the platforms.  
"Hybrid," objected Garry, "you maybe didn't notice but Prague Central Station has only seven platforms!"  
"Yeh'll see," answered Hybrid.  
And Garry saw. They moved to the end of platform seven, where was a sign "No crossing of the rails!". Hybrid pointed to other rails behind the seventh platform: "OK, cross da rails here. Yer train's on da first rail behind platform seven. I've ter say goodbye now but we'll meet at Polná!"  
"Bye, Hybrid!" waved Garry, waited till conductor next to the local train to Benešov boarded the train and jumped just next to the train. It started to move.

* * *

 _The train_

Garry was scared so much that he panicked, tripped over and fell in front of the train. He covered his head instinctively and started to recall his life. When nothing happened for ten seconds, he looked up and noticed that train was slowly vanishing to the other direction.  
Garry stood up and brushed his knees. "Of course, electric two-direction train!" he laughed, picked up his luggage and noticed a train on platform 8. It looked exactly like few old wagons with old locomotive, so it didn't look suspicious at all. He was crossing the rail behind it, when he heard a whistle. The conductor was giving a signal to depart. Garry quickly ran to the back door, opened it, threw Bloody into the train and he came next. Just as he boarded the train, it started moving. The second department was empty and he sat into it, happy, as it looked like he would have an uneventful journey, took a bottle of coke from his luggage and stretched his legs onto the opposite seat. They were just leaving the Vinohrady tunnel when the door opened.  
"I see there's a place here," exclaimed a ginger, freckled boy and entered, "I'm Measly, by the way." He sat and started to eat his food.  
"I see," grinned Garry, "and what's your name?"  
"What?" The ginger boy threw a dumbfounded look on him.  
"I can see that you are measly," repeated Garry, "you are so nosy that you didn't even ask if you may enter or tell me your name."  
The ginger boy smiled. "It's not that big deal. Again, I'm Measly." He repeated his name and bitted his baguette again.  
"Oh, so that's a name?!"  
"Of course, what else?" The boy clearly wasn't one of best thinkers.  
"Oh, I've just thought you are telling me the amount of your brain," grinned Garry.  
"No, I'm Son Measly from the Measly family. And who are you?"  
"I'm Garry Poker," said Garry.  
Son's mouth fell. "R-r-really?" He spitted his baguette on Garry.  
"Of course," smiled Garry, "why would I pull your leg?"  
"So... so you have, um, that scar, there?!" Son kept looking on Garry with his mouth opened.  
"Yeah, but I won't show you, I'm not a creep!"  
In the precisely same moment, the door opened and young woman with train mini bar peered in: "Tea, coffee, mineral water, juice?"  
"No, fanks," mumbled Son while chewing his baguette.  
"Chocolate, Twix, Mars, Snickers?" persisted the woman.  
"Really no, thanks," repeated Son.  
"Baguette, chips, nuts..." she still persisted.  
Garry resigned and pulled out of his pocket few red chips: "Okay, I'll buy something."  
Dull thump echoed through the compartment. Son had apparently fallen unconscious.  
"It's easy to understand, Mr Poker," she smiled, "Measlys haven't seen this much money in a lifetime!"  
Oh crap, thought Garry while trying to get Son back to life, first day in the gambler world and poor people are already near to me. But, he smiled in his thoughts, I can make use of it.  
Son started to regain conscience: "M-m-money, I've seen... chips, many chips... what a nice dream..."  
Garry hit his head a few times and Son was finally fully awake. "That wasn't a dream," explained Garry, "I'm not only famous, I'm also pretty rich. And if you want, you can profit from it."  
Son's mouth fell again, giving his face its normal appearance. "Really?" he looked on Garry.  
"Of course!" Garry confirmed it. "I could make you the leader of my fan club... And I could pay you, say, fifty in a month. That's one blue, right?"  
"F-f-fifty..." Son fainted again. Garry started to think that he may find better material for his sidekick in the train.  
The door opened again. A little brown-haired fat boy with a round face and stupid reflection looked into the compartment. "Hello," he giggled.  
Or not, finished Garry his thought, but he said: "Hello, what do you want?"  
"I'm, I'm, seeking, I've lost my..."  
"Intelligence?" grinned Garry.  
"N-no," stuttered the boy, "I've lost my chicken."  
"Well, it's not here," retorted Garry and shut the door in front of his face. The boy stayed behind them and looked on them with a sad face.  
"Ugh, don't be a crybaby," snarled Garry and opened the door. "We'll tell you for sure if we find it. Yeah, and my name's Garry Poker," he introduced himself, "what's your name?"  
"I am... My name's..." the boy stopped talking for a while as if he tried to recall his name, "I'm Evil. Evil Long B."  
Garry could hardly suppress a laugh. "Oh my god! Does every gambler have a stupid name?"  
"What? I am not My God, I am Evil! My God is in the first wagon." Evil looked sadly to the compartment: "So you didn't see my chicken?"  
"No," answered Garry, "I'll go for you if it shows here. Where is your compartment?"  
"On the front side of the wagon," pointed Evil, "thank you, see you later!"  
Garry shut the door. "I hope not," he said through the clenched teeth. Garry started to long desperately for a presence of intelligent creature. He didn't want to wake Bloody, so he had to get by with Son. He emptied on his head a bottle of mineral water he'd bought. Son started to toss himself confusedly and he sat up: "I'm getting up, mommy!"  
"I'm not your mother," clarified Garry, "and stop fainting!" Son sat down and Garry continued with explaining his plan: "Look, Son, I'll make you a leader of my fan club, but you have to tell me all the info about Polná – how it works and so on. I don't know anything about it!"  
Son was delighted that he knows something what Garry Poker does not and started explaining: "Well, I am also going there for the first time, but I know many things about it, because my nineteen older brothers studied there already. Three of them are still studying there: twins Mum and Dad and brother Brother in last year."  
"You're the youngest one of your family?" asked Garry.  
"I have younger sister Mother," answered Son. "You know, my mum always wanted a girl."  
"I'm glad she succeeded at last," laughed Garry. "But I don't care about your family. Tell me something about Polná."  
"Hmm, you probably should know that students are divided to four houses named Sniffindoor, Hellclaw, Riff Raff and Litterout. Every house has its symbol and its colour, Hellclaw hearts and red colour, Riff Raff diamonds and yellow colour, Sniffindoor clubs and blue colour and Litterout spades and green colour. All of the houses compete, but the biggest rivalry is between those with same colour and therefore also in the same building. I mean that hearts and diamonds are red so Hellclaw and Riff Raff fight each other and they are in Red building. Sniffindoor and Litterout live in Black building, because clubs and spades are black."  
"Do you know where will you belong?" asked Garry.  
"No, no one knows that," continued Son his explanation, "the house where you'll end is decided by a draw. When we'll arrive, everyone will take one card from a packet which is called The Sorting package. Every year, 52 new students arrive to Polná, so there will be thirteen of them in every house."  
"So the result of sorting depends on a chance, right?"  
"Theoretically. But many whispers state that Humbledoor... do you know Humbledoor?" asked Son.  
"Yeah, I've heard something, he's the headmaster?"  
"Yep, that's the headmaster of Polná school. They just say that Humbledoor cheats it somehow to get students where he wants them. For example, everyone from my family studied in Sniffindoor, so if I had to guess I'd say I'll end up there. Anyway, every house is said to be good in something – Hellclaws are good in logical games where you have to think, like bridge or Bang!." Von stopped talking, because he noticed his half-eaten baguette on the ground, where it fell when he fainted last time. He picked it up and started eating again. "I was never good in them. In Riff Raff, they say there are best on the slot machines there. Sniffindoors are good in games where your bravery is more important than brain, like blackjack or poker... and in Litterout, there are the best cheaters. Most of the evil, cheating players studied there." Son started to whisper: "Even You-can-guess-who was in Litterout."  
"You mean Dr. W-"  
"Don't say it!" stopped him Son.  
"Why? Are you afraid of it?" laughed Garry.  
"No, but it's such a complicated name. It hurts my eyes every time."  
"I don't know it anyway," revealed Garry, "Hybrid tried to tell me but he couldn't pronounce it."  
"You know Hybrid from Polná already?" Von looked perplexed, Garry just nodded. "Well, I'm not surprised that he can't pronounce it, I also can't," said Son. "When we arrive, you can ask Humbledoor, he remembers it, which is something I can't understand."  
"Oh well." Garry stood up. "I have to pee."

* * *

 _Hormone Danger_

When he was returning from the toilet, he heard from behind the curtain in one compartment: "Show us, Lee, don't be shy!"  
He started to go faster, so he wouldn't see what he certainly didn't want to see. He returned to the compartment and saw that Son has something hairy in his lap.  
"What do you have there?" he asked.  
"That's my pet," explained Son, "parents gave me guinea pig, they couldn't afford anything else. Its name's Squeakers."  
"That's living?" examined it Garry.  
"Of course it's living," hissed Son, "why on earth would I bring dead guinea pig to school!?"  
"And why wouldn't it move?" Garry poked it.  
"Maybe because it's a guinea pig," rolled Son his eyes, "they don't move when they don't have to."  
Garry poked it once more. "Booooooring!" he stated. "Hybrid has bought me a cat." He pointed to Bloody under the seat. "He said that gamblers use cats to bring the post, is it really right?"  
"Of course yes!" Son couldn't believe that someone as famous as Garry Poker doesn't know such a basic thing. "We have four at home, but mum wouldn't let me take one... not the brother, my mum."  
In the door appeared a girl with long bushy hair and pistachio green eyes. (1) "Hey idiots," she said, "Where is..."  
"Aren't you the Evil's chick?" pointed Garry on her. "If yes, he is in the front part of the wagon."  
"Aren't you impertinent, little boy?" she shouted and sat on the free seat. "My name's Hormone Danger and I'll be in the first year in Polná. No one in my family plays cards, so I was pretty surprised that they took me. I'm beautiful, fun, kind, intelligent... Okay, I'm not that kind, deal with it. I think it will be pretty easy school, I've already read all of the books we had to bring. You see, I have something like photographic memory. And who are you?"  
Garry was silent. He couldn't stop looking on her breasts.  
"Hey, wouldn't you look on my face, for a change?" she snarled. "And you, please, close your mouth at least!" turned she to Son who was watching the same thing as Garry.  
Garry's cheeks turned pink. "Sorry, I'm Garry Poker."  
"It seems that you have a sense of humor, at least," she laughed, "I'm Princess Leia, nice to meet you."  
"What?" he looked on her confusedly. "I'm really Garry Poker. I can show you my scar if you want."  
"Believe me, that's the last thing I'd want to see," she grinned and then pointed at Son: "What's that?"  
"That's Son Measly," explained Garry.  
"Oh crap," she sighed and stood up. "Well, have fun. I'll see you in Polná if I'll have to." She turned to Son again: "And close your mouth at last!" and left.  
"Cool!" sighed Son.  
"Just please don't faint again, okay?" said Garry, opened a train window and looked out. They were just moving (or staying still) through Kolín.  
After Kolín, they started to ride faster through Kutná Hora and Čáslav. Garry just decided to have a nap, when the train stopped with jerking.  
"Where are we?" he looked confusedly.  
"It's probably Golčův Jeníkov, "explained Son, "students from East Bohemia board the train here."  
Garry looked from the window. Around ten people boarded the front wagon and the train started to move again. Garry sat down again and fell asleep at last.

* * *

 _Little Crack_

When he woke up, the train was still again. "Where are we now?" he asked Son, who was looking from the window again.  
"We're in Dobronín." Son sat down. "They are changing the locomotive  
as there are no electric wires in front of us, but there's probably a problem, we've been here for twenty minutes already."  
Garry left the compartment in order to see what happened. In the corridor he saw a small blonde boy between two giants.  
"Hello," he turned to them, "do you know what happened?"  
The blonde one turned to him as well: "Oh, hi, little boy, do you want something?"  
"Why does everyone call me 'little boy'?" raged Garry. "Do I look like little boy to you?"  
"Well you don't look like a little girl," grinned the blonde one. "Allow me to introduce myself, my name's Crack O. Malefoil, but my customers call me Little Crack. And these are my adjutants Crap and Oil."  
"I'm Garry Poker," introduced Garry himself.  
"Hmm, famous Garry Poker," eyed him Crack, "Would you like to be one of my customers, Garry Poker?"  
"Customers?" asked Garry cluelessly. He didn't make a comment about the name, he had never met a gambler with normal name before.  
"Customers," confirmed Crack. "Because I," he checked the corridor if no one is listening, "sell things you cannot find in school canteen, if you understand me..."  
Garry nodded.  
"Alcohol is rare in school," whispered Crack, "but whenever you'll want it, go to me. I'll maybe even make a discount for you, because if there's a word that celebrity like you is among my customers, I'll still profit. What do you say?"  
Garry moved back: "Sorry, but I was cured, no more alcohol!"  
Cracko threw a sideway look on him: "As you wish, Garry Poker, as you wish. You have still a chance to decide whether you'll cooperate with me or with the weedblood Danger!"  
"It was a pleasure to meet you, Crack," mumbled Garry and backed to the compartment.  
"So? Did you find something out?" asked Son.  
"Nothing about the train, but I've got info where to buy weed," smirked Garry.  
"Really?" Greed flashed in Son's eyes. "Where?"  
"You won't believe it," leaned Garry to Son, "from the girl who was here, that..." Garry mimed her chest with his hands.  
"Really?" asked Son. "Who told you?"  
"That funny blonde guy in the corridor," said Garry. "He said his name's Crack O. Malefoil and he offered me booze."  
"Of course, Malefoil," laughed Son, "he's infamous. His father owns a grand brewery. They're in fact the only ones who sell an alcohol. They made all of the drinks for gambling world. Seven of hearts, Green card, Full house, Full house citrus, Diamondwodka, these are all his brands."  
"Okay," continued Garry, who didn't know any of the brands mentioned, "but don't tell me that his father gives it to him to sell it here."  
"I don't think so," scratched Son his chin, "it seems that he's stolen part of his father's bottles and now he tries to sell them at school."  
"It can do us only good that we know something incriminating about him," smiled Garry, "I like this idiot as much as burning iron rod in my ass."  
"Yeah," nodded Son, "Malefoils are not the charming ones. But they are mighty and rich crime family, so no one dares attack them. At least not directly."  
"I hope we won't be in the same house as him," sighed Garry.  
"All Malefoils studied in Litterout," said Son thoughtfully, "although the Sorting is supposed to be random."  
"How the Sorting looks anyway?" asked Garry.  
"Well," Son wrinkled his forehead recalling the info, "I've heard that Humbledoor calls students from A to Z and he lets them take a card from the open Sorting package... then he shuffles it and calls another one."  
"And Humbledoor knows many card tricks, right?"  
"Of course," nodded Son. "He can take all of your good cards and change them without you noticing!"  
"I've thought so," grinned Garry, "that means the Sorting isn't entirely fair, is it?"  
"Yeah, many people think so," agreed Son, "but no one dares to say it because Humbledoor is mighty and VIP."  
"So, we must hope that Humbledoor doesn't want us to go to Litterout," thought Garry. "Your whole family studied in Sniffindoor, so I wouldn't be afraid if I were you... Wait, did you say that in Sniffindoor, you must be rather brave than smart? Then I also have no need to worry!"  
The diesel engine roared and the train started to travel to Polná again.

* * *

(1) I planned her to have chocolate eyes instead of original brown eyes, but chocolate eyes are cliché. It could have been blue moon eyes, straciatella eyes or vanilla eyes, but these are too uncommon eye colours. Therefore she has pistachio eyes. It's not important anyway, no one notices her eyes.


	5. Chapter 5: Polná, the Mecca of cards

Chapter five brings us to a Polná castle. However, reader has to be informed that we don't mean the well known castle with address Polná, Castle 1, where exposition of Highland museum is located, but gambling castle hidden from the eyes of unsuspecting people. Its existence is top secret and it is located above Lake Hell, N 49° 28' 56'' and E 15° 42' 38,5''. We will also spectate a mysterious ceremony where chance sorts students to houses.

 **Polná, the Mecca of cards**

 _Lake Hell_

When the train stopped at small Polná station, the sky was already dark. Students started to get off the train. Garry and Son got off among the last ones and they were looking around to see the scramble. Two of the teachers navigated other students into waiting buses.  
"We won't go there by bus?" asked Garry.  
"No, first years always go there by boats. I think Hybrid will go with us..." answered Son.  
A huge drunk man tottered out from the bushes next to the building which used to be a loading place.  
"Hi Hybrid!" shouted happily Garry and ran to him.  
"Sec- Firs' years ter me!" roared Hybrid. First year students hesitantly rounded around Hybrid. They waited for buses to depart and went to one of the alleys down from the hill.  
"Where are we going?" asked Garry to Son.  
"To Hell, of course, you idiot," answered Hormone, who appeared behind them out of blue, instead of Son, "haven't you read the book The Polná school from Bořislav Rérych? It is clearly written there that since 1824, first years have been paddling to school through Lake Hell in their first day. It is so because the school is located on the opposite side of Lake Hell, under the Březina Forest, as you surely don't know as well."  
"It seems someone here is too smart," retorted Garry and exchanged looks with Son. At least, he tried. Son's look was again fixed on something different.  
"At least close your mouth, Son!" Hormone noticed his look already. "Oh my god, can't you control yourself?"  
As Son didn't close his mouth nor answered, she threw her bag on her other shoulder and started to walk quicker. That'll be hell, thought Garry, but at the same moment they've reached the lake. That'll be Hell, thought Garry, when he saw a glittering water.  
He and Son jumped into a free boat and prepared to start the journey.  
"Can we join?" stopped them Hormone and boarded it with Evil. "It wouldn't be chivalrous to escape us. You should have known by now that women," she looked to Evil, "and children should board the boats first!"  
"Chivalrous isn't how someone would describe me," grinned Garry and handed the paddle to Hormone, "row!"  
The whole world had gone black and Garry saw thousands of stars. For the second time today, he started recalling his life. He was, however, woken by icy water, where he'd just fell. He moved his head above the water and with some problems he caught a side of the boat.  
"You," he spat out a huge seaweed, "have punched me with a paddle!"  
"Bingo, honey," she smiled and stretched her hand to him, "wanna go back?"  
With her help, Garry climbed back to the boat. He threw a hateful look on her, but she didn't pay attention to him. At one moment, something started to move under his T-shirt. He took it with his hand and pulled out a large duck.  
"Isn't it your chicken, Evil?" he showed it to Evil.  
Evil took it and looked on it. "It isn't, but I'll have to get by with it." He stuffed the confused duck into a very small cage he had on his lap and said quietly: "Thanks."  
"Will anyone start paddling or we'll stay here forever?" raised Hormone her head.  
Garry carefully stretched for the paddle in the middle of the boat and handed it to Son: "As my adjutant, I order you to paddle from here! And... shut your mouth, please!"  
Son started paddling. For a while they were circling around the pier, but then they finally turned into the direction of other boats.  
"He's your adjutant?" asked Hormone. "What does it mean?"  
"I've named him..." Garry turned pink, "...a leader of my fan club."  
"You have fan club?" laughed Hormone. "Since when?"  
"Of course, I'm famous Garry Poker, who's beaten You-can-guess-who!"  
"You mean Dr. Walstessmerst?" asked Hormone.  
"Probably yes," hesitated Garry, "you're the first one who could pronounce it in front of me."  
"You're not often in presence of intelligent people, are you?"  
Garry looked on Son and Evil: "Nor are you."  
Hormone looked on Garry, Son and Evil: "I, unlike you, am not able to meet someone more intelligent every now and then."  
"So clever, so beautiful and so humble..." said Garry with a serious voice.  
"Can you borrow me the paddle, Son?" laughed Hormone and turned to him. "AND CLOSE YOUR DAMN MOUTH!"  
Son came back to his senses and looked on Hormone. I mean, he looked on her face: "What?"  
Hormone sighed: "Nothing. Continue paddling, please."  
From remote happy shouts they understood that first boats had reached the shore already. Garry turned to the direction of shouts. He saw a small pier with navigation lamp. Hybrid stood next to the lamp and helped the students with taking their things out of boats. He noticed that Crack refused Hybrid's help and let Crap and Oil take him out of the boat. Then he showed them his possessions, they took them and started to climb the hillside to the castle.  
"That's Crack O. Malefoil," he pointed to him, "did you hear about him, Hormone?"  
"I've heard that name," she waved with her hand.  
"He sells booze," continued Garry, "I've talked with him in the train corridor; he tried to make me one of his customers..."  
"If you say so," she pretended not to pay attention to him.  
"And he's hinted," looked Garry to Hormone, "that you sell... you sell..."  
"What?" Hormone turned to him. "Books? I don't sell books. Cheat sheets? Forget it, you have to study if you want good grades. My body? Sorry to disappoint you. Or what?"  
Garry leaned to her and almost whispered: "Weed, of course..."  
"I don't sell it, I grow it," she smiled casually.  
"But," Evil was aroused from his lethargy by their chat, "but you mustn't grow weed in school! My granny said... If it's true, I must say it to the headmaster!"  
Evil had gone red and he was shaking his hand in front of Hormone.  
"Ickle Evilkins," warbled Hormone, "you have two possibilities. Number one – you will not report anything, or number two, and I'd rather not see this one, you will get off this boat at once. Can you swim, Evil?"  
"N-n-no, I can't." Evil shook himself and carefully leaned to the side of the boat. He saw black water and quickly jerked his head back. "That's blackmail!" he got upset. "My granny says I should never let myself be blackmailed! And that I should fight for the truth! The truth always wins!"  
Hormone rolled her eyes to the starry sky: "Your granny is clearly smart, but a little bit naïve woman, who obviously didn't name you. Let's do it another way, Evil. Ask me whether I grow weed."  
Frightened Evil looked to her: "Do you grow weed, Hormone?"  
"No, Evil, I don't." She looked into his eyes.  
"That's great," released Evil his breath and grasped the cage filled with the large duck even tighter. They've finally reached the shore.  
"Where were yeh?" smiled Hybrid and pulled them from the boat one at the time. "Yeh're all wet, Garry, what's happened?"  
"I've fell to the water," jerked Garry with his shoulders.

* * *

 _The Sorting Package_

They've climbed the hill and Hybrid went with them to the castle. "Leave yer luggage here at da reception. Now yeh'll be sorted," explained Hybrid. "Garry, please change yer clodes, or yeh'll catch cold!"  
Garry changed at the WC and joined others in dry clothes just as they were entering the inner atrium of the castle. Tables were prepared there, so they sat around one of them. Under the arcades was a stage. Finally, lights were put on, and elder woman with elderer man appeared on the stage.  
Garry looked up. "That's really cool trick, it looks like there are stars on the ceiling!" He shook his head.  
"We're outside, Garry!" hissed Hormone.  
The old man spoke: "Hi kiddos! I'm Professor Niggerus Humbledoor and I am headmaster of this school. I've also earned many titles and awards; you can read the whole list next to my portrait in Long corridor. If I had to name them all, I would end tomorrow – hopefully. So, to the point – our school has four houses, which are named Hellclaw, Riff Raff, Sniffindoor and Litterout. Mere chance," Humbledoor smiled to the package he was holding, "will decide where you will end up. Everyone will stand before me now and choose one card. Hearts will send you to Hellclaw, diamonds to Riff Raff, spades make you Litterout and finally, card with clubs sends you to Sniffindoor." Garry could swear that Humbledoor looked on him and winked.  
"Professor McDonald," continued Humbledoor, "will call you alphabetically. When you'll hear your name, you shall go here and choose a card from the package. Is everything clear? If not, bad for you, leave and return home then."  
Hormona and Garry caught the sleeves of Evil, who stood up. "That was a joke, Evil," whispered Garry and turned back to Humbledoor.  
"Alzheimer, Anette!" Professor McDonald said first name. Miss Alzheimer pulled out two of spades and looked confusedly on it: "Spades? What does that mean? I've forgot."  
"Litterout," reminded her Professor Humbledoor. "Next one!"  
"Appendix, Denny!" continued Professor McDonald. Appendix, Denny stood up, climbed on the stage, took one of the middle cards and showed it to professor Humbledoor.  
"Seven of diamonds," said the latter, "that means Riff Raff."  
Garry stopped paying attention, as he knew he has to wait quite a while to be sorted. He pulled out his mobile phone and started playing Hearts.  
"Danger, Hormone!" he's heard the voice of Professor McDonald. He looked to Son: "What do you think?"  
"Because of her smart talking, I'd say Hellclaw," said Son through clenched teeth, "but Humbledoor is unpredictable."  
Hormone went to Humbledoor, pulled out one card quickly and grasped it in her hands.  
"Hell..." Professor Humbledoor started exclaiming, but he stopped when Hormone raised a queen of clubs above her head.  
"Sniffindoor?" he said, not believing it, and he started to frantically look through the package in his hand. At last, he found what he seeked. Among the cards in his hand was still a queen of clubs. That's a problem, he realised. He knew perfectly that Hormone had to pull out ten of hearts. He looked on Hormone with anger, but she ignored him and descended back.  
What an impertinence, he thought, to cheat at the Sorting? The last one who did this was... him. Well, we have to continue, he realised. He secretly pulled out the queen of clubs from the package and added ten of hearts from substitute package. He made a gesture with his hand to show to McDonald that she can continue and she called the next name.  
The Sorting continued, but Garry closed his eyes and stopped paying attention. He's opened his eyes and watched how Long B., Evil was sorted into Sniffindoor; Malefoil, Crack Oswald was sorted into Litterout and Measly, Son into Sniffindoor, but then he fell asleep. He had a dream where someone called him all of the time. It ended with dull pain under his ribs. He opened his eyes and saw Son who was prepared to hit him again. "It's your turn, Garry!" he said and returned to Sniffindoor students.  
"POKER, GARRY!" shouted Professor McDonald. "OH MY GOD, POKER, WHERE ARE YOU?"  
Garry looked around (there was indeed only one person waiting except him, Zara Zimmerman) and moved to the stage. "I'm sorry, I haven't been paying attention," he murmured and stretched his hand.  
Meanwhile, Hormone leaned and whispered to Son: "In the package is only ace of clubs and ten of hearts, so it's 50:50. There's still a chance that we'll get rid of the cocky git."  
"I'd have to find another rich guy to pay me," turned Son to her. "I also don't think that he would go to Hellclaw when you are in Sniffindoor. How was it possible that YOU went into Sniffindoor, anyway?!"  
"Mere chance," smiled Hormone, "it is because of mere chance."  
"Sniffindoor!" they were interrupted by Humbledoor's voice. Garry went to him and Professor McDonald called Zara Zimmermann.  
"Hellclaw," mumbled Hormone. "Sorry, Zara."  
When all of the new students were sorted, Professor Humbledoor spoke again: "I'd like to tell you some more important things. Firstly..." he stopped and started making wild gestures to Professor McDonald, who stood next to him and whispered something. "Firstly," continued Humbledoor, "you'd better remember not to leave the school grounds. Your memory can be enhanced by barbed wire around them. Our caretaker, Mr Flitch, would also like me to remind you that between classes, you are not permitted to run in corridors, throw litter out of classrooms, shout, speak loudly, play cards in corridors and so on. Just remember that you can do almost nothing. In your rooms and classrooms are School rules of order where you can read it. Farewell!"  
Humbledoor turned and started descending from the stage. Then he stopped: "Oh, I've forgot just a tiny thing: The southern corridor in the third storey is out of bounds for anyone who doesn't wish to have a slow, cruel and painful death."  
"That's a joke or what?" turned Garry to Son confusedly.  
Son jerked with his shoulders: "Well, I won't go there."  
Then, McDonald explained to them where should they be enlisted and told them to go to welcoming dinner in school canteen after an hour. They went to upper courtyard, but Professor Humbledoor stood into their way in a tunnel.  
"Miss Danger," he pointed to a corridor leading into the castle, "will you go with me for a moment, please?"  
"We'll see at the school canteen," she mouthed and added: "hopefully."

* * *

 _Almost welcoming, almost dinner_

They moved to back courtyard of the castle. "Now we moved from the main wing of the building to the back courtyard," whispered Son to Garry, "in the main wing, there are classrooms, cabinets and so on. This wing on the left side is Red building with rooms for Hellclaw and Riff Raff and on the right side, there is Black building where Sniffindoors and Litterouts live in. The shortest wing in front of us is Gold building where teachers live." Son then pointed on building on the right side, decorated with black graffiti of card theme. "We'll live there," he added.  
By the entrance, there stood Professor McDonald, who, as it turned out, was the head of Sniffindoor house.  
"So, this is Sniffindoor hostel," she explained. "In the ground floor, there is shared hall, where the notice board with all important information is located. There is also laundry-room there; you will pick up your sheets there and, before the dinner, also your robes. Sniffindoor rooms are on the left side, Litterout rooms on the right side. Both houses have their entrances protected with a number code. In the ground floor of your wing is also playroom and room for your animals," Professor McDonald looked on her students. "I hope you will be able to tell those two apart."  
"Ha ha ha," grinned Son to Garry.  
"Girls' rooms are in first floor and boys' room in second floor. I will hand you the keys in a while. After ten o'clock, you have to stay in your rooms."  
"Worse than jail," said Garry through clenched teeth and smiled at Son.  
"Do you have a question, Mr Poker?" Professor McDonald looked strictly to him.  
"It's just... when are we woken?" asked Garry.  
"At seven o'clock," answered McDonald. "From seven to quarter past eight you can eat a breakfast in the school canteen. At half past eight is the start of the classes."  
Garry and Son got the room number 213. The room was long and narrow and there was almost nothing in it, only two metal beds on each side of room by walls and wardrobe between them. In front of the small window opposite the door was wiggling table made from formica and two chairs, one of them without back. After entering the hall, they had to go through entrance room, where were clothes' pegs, basins, and small WC. Son had seeked the bathroom for ten minutes before he found out that shared bathroom is on the end of the corridor.  
They shared the room with Evil Long B. and Dan Lowmass, whom they met in the room. Garry took the bad on the right side of the window and Son on the left side. Garry made use of the fact that he came to the room first and he took a whole wardrobe, the three other ones shared the second one with mild protests.  
They changed into blue school robes.  
"I look like an idiot," murmured Son, who looked to little mirror in entrance room.  
"That's not because of the robe," stuck his tongue out Garry, "let's go!"  
The school canteen was on the other side of the castle, and they had to go through third courtyard called "edge courtyard". Edge courtyard wasn't entirely inside of the building, only fortifications in the north and west. Under them were school fields with vegetables and medicinal plants, which continued to the edge of the lake.  
They arrived to the school canteen later, so there wasn't a queue. But even the two students in front of them were given the food in ten minutes. Garry chose meal number one (Pork slice, spinach, potato dumpling) and Son meal number two (Apple pie).  
"You don't like meat?" asked him Garry, when they sat to one of the tables with blue cloths for Sniffindoor students.  
Son jerked with his fork: "I like meat. That's why I'd never eat it in the school canteen. After what Mum and Dad said... I'd rather eat my leg than meat from school canteen."  
Garry doubtfully sniffed to his own portion, while Little Crack was walking by. "I see that you are truly living up to the name of your house, Poker," he laughed.  
Crap and Oil, who went after him, just looked dully. "That was a joke, laugh, you idiots!" snarled Crack and continued to pile of dirty dishes.  
After sniffing, Garry finally jerked with his shoulders and decided to try the meat. However, his try to slice it wasn't successful. He didn't dare to guess whether it was fault of tough meat or blunt knife, so he tried spinach. Even before consuming the first spoonful, he puked over whole plate.  
"I think I am not hungry anymore," he wheezed.  
Mum and Dad sat to their table. Son introduced them to Garry, and Garry introduced them to Son. I mean, Son introduced Garry to them. Mum looked to Garry's plate: "Your food looks so goddamn good, it looks like you've bribed the cooks. How did you do it?"  
Garry burped. "I've puked into it," he was still wheezing.  
Mum and Dad looked sadly on their apple pie. "That explains why it looks better than our portions," stated Dad sadly.  
"We're planning a party on the roof tonight," continued Mum in a lighter tone,  
"will you go?"  
"And won't we fall over?" expressed Son his opinion.  
Dad knowingly smiled: "Dear Son, when you will be returning to the hostel, notice the angle of its roof, please. You will find out that fortifications are placed there, the roof itself is placed parallel to the ground."  
"What?" Son's cheeks turned red.  
"The roof is flat, you dolt," explained Hormone, who had just joined them. Rather than to look on her food, she looked around them: "Where is Evil?"  
"He has his own food in his room; his Granny packed him loads of Monte, so that he would have something good to eat," snarled Son.  
"In the room, there is no fridge..." Mum looked on Dad.  
"...so this food can't last for long," Dad looked on Mum. Then, they both ran from the canteen.  
"What did Humbledoor want to you, anyway?" tried Garry to change the subject.  
"Nothing important." Hormone was still examining her food suspiciously. "He tried to explain that cheating at the Sorting isn't good. And I tried to explain the same thing to him."  
"Whaat?" Garry looked on her with the utmost surprise. "You've cheated at the Sorting?!"  
Hormone smiled and pulled out a ten of hearts from her sleeve and showed it to Garry: "What do you thing is this?"  
"Umm, a ten of hearts?" hesitated Garry.  
"Yes, a ten of hearts," continued Hormone. "I've taken it from the Sorting package."  
"But, you... I mean... so..." added Son his speech as well.  
Hormone grinned at him: "I didn't want to go to Hellclaw, they are all nerds."  
Garry and Son exchanged looks. They were both thinking about the same thing – how on earth will it help when one nerd will be in Sniffindoor.  
"Hellclaw is such a boring house," continued Hormone, "they would probably report my weeds."  
In the evening, they met on the roof. Mum and Dad showed them emergency ladder and trapdoor in the ceiling which led to it. "Mr Flitch would be barking mad if he found out that we have the keys," grinned Dad.  
"Sorry that we arrived late," explained Garry while climbing on the roof with Son. "We had to tie Evil and put a gag into his mouth, or else he would report the party."


	6. Chapter 6: First week at school

Chapter six, which is hopefully best explained by its name. We won't therefore pointlessly prattle and we'll start it instead.

 **First week at school**

 _We're sorry, we were lost_

After his breakfast and two tablets of animal charcoal, Garry started to seek a timetable. As even Son didn't find his, they filched the Evil's and started to examine it.  
"It's not as bad as I've thought; just the lunch every day is a nightmare," exclaimed Garry.  
"Working Education?" Son got frightened by the timetable. "Why on earth we have Working Education?"  
"P.E. after lunch?" squealed Evil, who was looking over their shoulders.  
"It's 8:25, we should go," shouted Dan from the door and ran from the canteen. Evil ran behind him. In a panic, he fell at the door, and as he was standing up, he fell two more times. Garry and Son took their bags and also went to classrooms after a while.  
"Why didn't you remember the number of the classroom, you dolt," raged Garry, when they were wandering around the corridors after a quarter of hour, "we're late!"  
"I couldn't know that it's a maze," retorted Son while examining the armor they were going by, "haven't we been here already?"  
"You are late," stated a fact Professor McDonald when they've finally entered the right classroom, "but for finding the room and being brave enough to enter it in the middle of the class, I award Sniffindoor with ten points." From the desks of Hellclaws who shared the class with them, rebelling mumbling arose.  
"Be quiet," said Professor McDonald, "and sit down, you two."  
The last free chairs were in first row, next to Hormone. Garry and Son moved there and tried (unsuccessfully) not to make a noise.  
"Hi," smiled Garry to Hormone, "what was it with the points? These are punishment?"  
Hormone threw a patronizing look on him: "Did you read School rules of order, Garry?"  
"Quickly," hesitated Garry, "but letters were too small and there were no pictures, so it bored me. I remember the heading! School rules of order, in red letters."  
"Well, if you have really read it," whispered Hormone, "you would know that houses compete which one earn most points. And every teacher tries to make sure his house will win. Before you arrived, we got 10 points as Dan opened a window and 15 points as I knew the name of the book we will work with."  
Garry shook his head. This school seemed to be weirder than the thought.

In the afternoon was, according to their timetables, time for their Working Education class, taught by Professor Proud. Working Education took place on the school fields. Garry was desperately bored, so he spent most of the lesson with burying Evil's property. Son helped him, but stopped when he buried his own leg.

On Tuesday in the morning they had History of Cards. For both Garry and Son, it meant great prolonging of their sleep. They both decided to sleep longer next week, skip breakfast and go to History of Cards in their pyjamas. Old wrinkled Professor Bin, who taught it, lost his voice many years ago and ran his lectures from old cassettes.  
"What would he do if someone asked him something?" asked Garry to Von in the end of the lesson.  
"Well, if Mum and Dad are right, no one has ever had," jerked Son with his shoulders. "Do you have any idea what to ask?"  
"No, I didn't listen!"  
"You see?"  
"Professor, may I ask you something?" echoed the voice of Hormone danger through quiet classroom. Professor Bin, however, ignored her, took his cassettes and walked off the classroom.  
"Now you see," commented Son and headed with Garry to Card Making.

Card Making was taught by small dark-haired twisted chap with crazy face, who giggled all the lesson and called himself Professor Fit, but Hormone doubtfully pulled out her timetable, where was written that Card Making is taught by Professor Wicked.  
"Mr Poker is here!" shouted surprised Fit Wicked as soon as he looked to the students list. "I am very glad to finally meet you, Mr Poker! As Mr Poker is among us, we will draw the motives of his famous win on cards this year!"  
Garry went red. "You don't have to at all," he squealed embarrassedly.  
"And how very modest he is! Twenty points to Riff Raff!" shouted Professor Wicked again. Students in yellow robes cheered.

Worst subjects for Garry were subjects about card games. He even started to feel that he is newbie when it comes to cards. He didn't show any sign of talent in War, UNO or Hearts.  
"Well, Garry," jeered Hormone, "you certainly didn't think you would be best in everything just because you are famous Garry Poker?" Garry was quiet and he looked to the wall.  
"Don't mind her, Garry," tried Son to cheer him up, when Hormone left, "I bet my shoes you're the best in poker."  
"I know that," clenched Garry his teeth, "but we won't have poker before next year. I wanna be the best now!"  
"Well if you wanna be the best, you should maybe start to study," said Son carefully.  
"Shut up."

"How are we supposed to learn Defence Against Cheating, when Professor Birell is absent all of the time?" complained Hormone in front of B9 classroom, as they hadn't as much as one of three planned lessons of Defence against cheating by Thursday morning.  
"Well, before the end of semester, we have yet to be taught... for a whole semester," tried Garry to calm her down, "we surely can deal with one week missing. You've read it all already, anyway."  
Heavily breathing Son ran to them: "You... you...," he breathed, "you won't believe it! Professor Birell was drinking yesterday and now he's sleeping as he has hangover! Mum and Dad found him lying in Room of Requirement!"  
"Where?!" asked surprised Garry and Hormone.  
Son returned the surprised look: "In the storage, room number A 01, didn't you know? They had UNO lesson there, so they found him!"

* * *

 _Dealing and Shuffling_

"D'you see that guy sitting at the Professors' table?" pointed Son for Garry at the Friday breakfast while trying to chop a croissant with his knife. After breaking two knives, he finally lost his patience and smashed it with hammer.  
"Where?"  
Son moved his hand with the hammer and hit Evil's head: "The tanned one with black hair, he's sitting alone." Evil screamed.  
"That one with pink robe?" laughed Garry.  
"That's not pink, that's grapefruit colour," said Hormone through clenched teeth, put a ham on her fork and showed it to Garry: "THIS is pink!"  
"This is grey," pointed Garry on the slice of ham.  
Hormone looked on it: "Hmm, right. But do you see the Anette Alzheimer's napkin? That's pink," she continued with her gestures, "look at Professor McDonald, she has salmon costume, and that," she pointed on curtains, "used to be arguably magenta. Do you see the difference?"  
"No," admitted Garry. Hormone sighed, drank the rest of her tea and left.  
"What did you wanna say?" turned Garry to Son again.  
"I dunno," looked Son confusedly on him.  
"Something about that teacher," pointed Garry on the tanned man with a hooked nose, who was eyeing yellowed lettuce suspiciously.  
"Yeah," recalled Son, "that's Unitus Grape. He teaches Dealing and Shuffling and he's really rough! They say he wants to teach Defence Against Cheating."  
"Unitus Grape?!" looked Garry on him. "That's name or Latin fruit?"  
"He's from United States," explained Son.  
In the same moment, Bloody scuttled to them and brought a paper to Garry. He took it and read it.

 _Hi Garry, wanna go ter me at da afternoon 'round five o'clock? We'll smoke an' see...  
Hybrid_

"That sounds like a plan," nodded Garry, wrote his response on the back side and handed the paper to Bloody again. "And don't show yourself in here again, only God knows what these cooking bitches could do with you." Then he turned to Son: "Will you come with me?"

Dealing and shuffling took place in dungeons of main wing in room A 04. The room didn't have windows and it was lit only by flickering light of lamps. When they entered, they noticed that they shared the class with Litterout.  
In the start of the lesson, Professor Grape looked through lists of students. "Aaah, Mr Poker, idol of the masses," laughed Grape hoarsely. "What is the reason why have you honoured us with your visit?"  
"Son Measly here," answered confused Garry. "If he hadn't reminded me, I would entirely forget that we have classes on Friday as well."  
"That was a rhetorical question," silenced him Grape. "I am not interested in details of your intimate life with Mr Measly." Garry went red and other students started to laugh. Crack O. Malefoil ROFLed.  
"Calm down, Mr Malefoil," hissed Grape.  
Grape ended with looking through lists of students and stood up. "My subject is called," he said with long pauses, almost whispering, "Dealing and Shuffling. I explain it to Professor Humbledoor every year that it should be called Shuffling and Dealing, as every child knows that you have to shuffle cards before dealing. I therefore assign you to name your exercise books 'Shuffling and Dealing'."  
"Exercise books?!" ejaculated surprised Garry.  
"You do not have an exercise book, Mr Poker?" Grape frowned. "Do you believe that as you are famous, you do not have to write notes, that one of your worshippers will let you copy her answers in the exam?"  
"Won't she?" responded Garry.  
"Your rudeness has lost ten points from Sniffindoor," waved Grape effectively with his robe and moved to a blackboard, "and pull out an A4 exercise book, please!"  
Garry hesitantly pulled out the History of Cards exercise book. 'That will do,' he thought, turned it and wrote 'Shuffling and Dealing on the back side.  
Grape appeared by his desk like a ghost: "You do not have separate exercise book for every subject, Poker!? Are you so short of chips that you cannot afford exercise books? I am able to accept the fact that Mr Measly has only one exercise book, but you should be able to purchase exercise book for every subject!"  
"I'm able, but I don't want to," shook Garry with his shoulders.  
"You have just lost Sniffindoor another five points," hissed Grape.  
"This subject is about shuffling and dealing of cards," continued Grape, "you will learn how to shuffle cards into the right place, how to deal all aces into your hand, how to take always the needed card... Shuffling and dealing is the most important class about cards. So, this is what I will teach you, I mean," he paused," I will try to teach you, as I suppose you are uneducated bumbles like any one of my former students. In fact, I cannot remember when I have seen a really good student in this school for the last time. I would say it was when I looked in a mirror before my final exams." Hormone knitted her brows and pointed on herself for Grape to notice. He ignored her.  
"Mr Poker," turned Grape to Garry again, "how many methods of shuffling are familiar to you?"  
Garry thought about it: "Two?"  
"Two?" leaned Grape to him, "tell us, Poker."  
"Well," gulped Garry, "you can either shuffle it in your hand, or throw it on the table and mix them like when you are cooking..."  
"Cooking?" jerked corners of Grape's mouth. "Do you think you are funny, Mr Poker?"  
Garry was silently staring into the ceiling.  
"Will you please answer, Mr Poker?" approached Grape nearer.  
"What?" Garry pretended being confused. "I've thought it was a rhetorical question."  
Then they've started to learn basic methods of holding card pack. Cards always fell from their hands, only Hormone somehow managed to keep them in her hand. Evil had even cut himself with cards, so Grape sent him to the infirmary. Whenever he got the possibility, he asked Garry what he knew. By the end of the lesson, Sniffindoor had therefore lost another forty points.  
"Come on, Garry," threw Son reproachful look on him by the moment. "No one will enter your fan club if you keep losing fifty points every lesson."  
"But he's started," sighed Garry, "that bastard!" Garry examined his timetable and found out it was lunch time already.  
"How many people do we have in fan club?" he asked Son.  
Son pulled out a crumpled paper: "Me... Mum and Dad...Evil, kinda..."  
"Kinda?" asked Garry. "What does that mean?"  
"Well, he didn't want that much, I had to say I'll burn his sheets."  
"Good work," nodded Garry, "who else?"  
"Also... Palm and Pasta Pettile, they're twins...and someone called Zara Zimmerman from Hellclaw."  
"Not bad," smiled Garry.

* * *

 _Visit at Hybrid's house_

In the afternoon, they went to visit Hybrid. Hybrid's cottage was located south from the castle, on the border of school grounds. The barbed wire was interrupted by the cottage. Garry wasn't sure whether it was easier to cross the barbed wire or to go through Hybrid's house. They knocked.  
"I'm goin'!" they've heard from the inside and after a while, Hybrid in pink apron with rabbits opened the door. "I'm so happy yeh came," he looked at Son, "an' who's dis?!"  
"That's Son Measly," explained Garry and they entered.  
"Anoder Measly?" blinked surprised Hybrid. "Aren't dere too much Measlys?"  
"I'm second to last," reassured him Son, "I have one younger sister."  
"Ooh, yep," chuckled Hybrid, "yer mum always wanted a girl, right?"  
The cottage was furnished in a very kitschy way. On the windows, there were pink (or maybe salmon) flowered curtains and on a small table, tiny tea service stood on handmade blanket. Around the table, there were three big armchairs covered with pillows of different sizes. Garry and Son sat down. As soon as Garry sat down, a desperate yelp sounded from the armchair and frightened Garry jumped up.  
"Watch out fer Lulu!" shouted Hybrid.  
"Who's Lulu?" asked Garry. A small dog with a pink ribbon jumped off the armchair and hid under the wardrobe.  
"'Tis my hound," explained Hybrid, "I train 'er against wild boars."  
"Are you sure that this is the right type of a dog?" said Garry disbelievingly.  
"O'course, da guy who sold it ter me in a pub said Yorkshires're da best against boars!" said Hybrid with passion.  
"And don't you think that you need a bigger dog for hunting?" asked Son. "Maybe at least bigger than a rabbit?!"  
"Oh, fer yer info," stood Hybrid up for Lulu, "ever since I've Lulu I don't have mice!"  
He sat into the third armchair and poured three cups of tea. "So, how d'yeh feel at school, Garry?"  
"Not bad," shrugged Garry, "but I'm not good yet. The worst is Grape... I mean Professor Grape, he doesn't even care how much I'm famous!"  
"Oh, well, Garry," patted him Hybrid on his shoulder, "celebrities've sometimes a difficult life, you've ter deal wid it!"  
Garry mumbled something angrily for a while, but then a newspaper clipping lying on the table caught his eye.

 _ **New information about mysterious break-in into ING bank!**_

 _Prague – The culprit who broke into the ING bank last Friday in the evening is still unknown. The investigators have confirmed that, fortunately, nothing was stolen. The perpetrator aimed to rob an empty vault of Polná school which was used as standby vault. The spokesman of ING bank announced yesterday that the owner had emptied the vault before the robbery. "Only a madman could try to rob our bank," he stated. He refused to make a comment about rumours regarding a tunnel into Prague mental asylum leading from the bank: "The mere fact that the culprit was insane does not mean he lived already in a mental asylum."_

"Hybrid," pointed Garry on the article, "we must've been there just before the robbery!"  
Hybrid just fuzzily murmured something and offered him another tea. It didn't look like he wanted to speak about it: "Not yer business, Garry."  
On his way back to the castle, Garry had many questions in his head. Does Hybrid know something about the robbery? What is a standby vault? Hybrid emptied a vault in the ING bank when they were there, was it what the robber wanted? And what the package is, and where is it now? Why did Hybrid write "We'll smoke an' see...", and then served him a tea? And since when is Hybrid able to write? And what does Captain Nemo think about it?


	7. Chapter 7: The fight at midnight

In chapter seven, Garry experiences the first fight with his enemies. He stays unharmed because of deus ex machina – he is saved by the person which would be the least expected to appear in this story. Then, pretty unwillingly, Garry will hear a list of his schoolmates' names.

 **The fight at midnight**

 _IT class_

On the second Monday in September, they had an IT class for the first time.  
"What's the I-T?" asked Son on the whole way to the classroom.  
"You've never seen a computer?" Garry was pretty surprised.  
"Um, no," shrugged Son.  
"Computers are an important tool for every modern gambler and card player. Its importance is especially in the fact that every computer with built-in operational system Windows contains Solitaire, Hearts and Spider Solitaire. Bill Gates is, you see, also a card player and a gambler," reached them Hormone with pile of books in her arms.  
"What?" turned Son to her.  
"Computer is a modern technology which enables you to do many things," continued Hormone, while they entered the classroom A 01, located opposite to the classroom of shuffling and dealing. "This is a computer," she pointed on a grey box on the first table.  
"This box?" asked surprised Son and started to examine it. Garry sat to the computer, pushed the "Start" button and started to explain it to Son, who still looked scared.  
"Won't it blow up?" he finally managed to say.  
"Don't worry, this is safe technology, I can't even imagine what to do in order to blow it up. And there is only a little electricity, as..." his lecture was interrupted by a loud explosion from the back side of the classroom. Evil had just tried to turn on his computer and it had exploded. Son fell unconscious.  
"This will be fun," chortled Garry and went to the internet.

Meanwhile, in near present...

"Who is the first year teacher of IT?" turned Professor Grape to Professor McDonald, while pouring his afternoon coffee.  
"That funny young guy," responded McDonald, "tall, long hair, glasses, checkered shirt..."  
"That one?" asked Grape and pointed on a young man reading The Chip in a corner. Grape checked his watch: "Shouldn't he be present in his classroom already, by chance?"  
The young man put the magazine on the table and spoke: "Invalid command. Room A 01 not found."  
"What does that mean?!" snarled Grape.  
In the very same moment, Humbledoor entered the staffroom. "Any problem?" he asked.  
"This... IT teacher!" Grape spat the words. "He's not in the classroom."  
"Looks like a bug," shrugged Humbledoor.  
"What?" whispered shocked Grape.  
"We couldn't find someone who would be a school admin and IT teacher, so I've had a hologram made. His name's STAT 0.1 – School Teacher, Administrator and Technician, but this is only a beta verse," he pointed on the young guy who started to flicker. "He doesn't have many skills yet, he knows just a few sentences: 'Have you tried to turn it off and on?' 'Is it plugged?' 'This doesn't work.' 'There's nothing to do.' etc."  
"And no one has ever noticed?!" asked Grape.  
"Why, he is like a common administrator!" STAT started to disappear. "We have to restart him," sighed Humbledoor, "his server is in room number A 03. Will you come with me?"  
Dan Lowmass rushed into the staffroom without knocking. "Classroom... fire...evil...computer...blew up...me!" he wheezed.  
"What has happened?" leaned Professor Humbledoor to him.  
Dan was catching his breath for a while and then he managed to say the whole sentence: "Classroom is on fire! Evil had turned a computer on and it blew up! Run with me!"

* * *

 _At the dinner_

"That today's IT class was really fun," chortled Garry and tried to identify what was on his plate.  
"It wasn't, Garry!" blurted Dan. "Evil almost burned to death!"  
"That was his fault," shrugged Garry. "It seems to be a school record, anyway. Eight days at school and he was three times in the infirmary – and we haven't even had PE yet."  
"Where's Son, anyway?" asked Hormone.  
"In the infirmary as well," laughed Garry, "he hit his head as he fell unconscious."  
"I doubt that it will change something." Hormone took her dirty glass with a juice. "It looks like a piss," she grinned.  
"As soon as you drink it, you'll want it to also taste like a piss!" chortled Mum from next table and raised his glass. "Cheers!"  
Garry looked on his plate again. He still didn't manage to find out what exactly his dinner is. Pasta in his brown sauce seemed familiar to him, though. He took one piece with his fork and examined it closely. He was sure that this one piece of pasta was in his French soup yesterday. He identified his teeth marks in it. Little pieces of meat, on the other hand, strongly reminded him of Saturday goulash.  
He, again, took one piece with his fork and carefully sniffed to it.  
"Do you want to eat it or make love to it?" Dad grinned on him.  
Garry looked on his fork again. "If I can choose, I'd rather sleep with it," he revealed and put his knife and fork down.  
At that moment, Palm and Pasta Pettile joined their table. "Who would you like to sleep with?" asked one of them. Garry remembered that one of them has two braids on her head and the other one has a ponytail. However, he didn't remember which one wears what.  
"It doesn't matter," answered Garry and went red.  
"We've heard something near the Litterout table!" continued Palm Pettile (Garry noticed she had a nameplate on her chest). "Little Crack is scheming!"  
Garry's insides cheered upon hearing the news. It looked like the information web of his fan club started to work! "Tell me," he encouraged Palm to continue.  
But the one who answered was Pasta. "Crack, Crap and Oil plan to break into the pharmacy in the infirmary at the midnight and steal the ethanol from there. They want to mix it with syrup and sell it on October card players' concert in the summer cinema. Yeah, and he was saying..." Pasta made a pause, "he said: 'And we will also beat those Sniffindoor idiots lying there,' yeah, or something like that."  
"We must stop them!" clenched Garry his hands. "No one will beat members of my fan club without me allowing them!" He turned on Mum and Dad: "Are you with me?"  
Mum and Dad looked on each other. "Well, our brother does deserve a little lecture..." said Dad thoughtfully.  
"...but we can do it ourselves!" ended his sentence Mum.  
"Cool!" smiled Garry.  
"Do you have a plan, Garry?" frowned Hormone.  
"Plan?" snorted Garry. "What's a plan good for? As it is written above Sniffindoor doors: _If you can think of nothing more, your head can always break the door!_ "  
Hormone sighed: "Don't you see, Garry, how many things you have to plan in order to get to the infirmary at night, outsmart Crack there, return back and do it so good that no one will notice?!"  
"No," shrugged Garry.  
Hormone started with wild gestures: "Well, guess it, then! Where's the problem?"  
Garry tried to focus.  
"It's not on my breasts," she pierced him with her look, "you'd better close your eyes if you want to really focus on the problem."  
Garry tried to focus on the problem. "I don't know where the infirmary is!" he realised.  
"Oh, look, the room is already brighter," said Hormone ironically, "but I suppose Mum and Dad know it." Mum confirmed her thought with a nod. "Go on."  
"We mustn't leave our rooms after ten o'clock!" Garry's brain started to boil.  
"Exactly. Flitch and maybe even some of the teachers will guard the corridors. And?" encouraged him Hormone.  
"I with Mum and Dad won't probably win in a fight over Crack, Crap and Oil. And even if we do, there will be a lot of noise!" Garry started to hate Hormone. She totally ruined his idea about night adventure.  
"So," she looked over other students, "any ideas?"  
Garry raged: "I'm the main character here! Stop meddling in all of my business! Don't parasite on my fame!"  
Hormone stood up, enraged. "Don't you think you're exaggerating it? Do you expect us to lick your boots or what?!"  
"That would be great!" dreamed Garry.  
Palm and Pasta looked dreamingly on Garry: "You'd really want it?"  
"We don't have time now, maybe later," said Garry sadly. Hormone grabbed her head and she left cursing Garry in an unrepeatable way.  
Garry turned to other people at their table. "Okay, we have to think of a plan. How to get to the infirmary unseen?" he asked Mum and Dad.  
Mum said thoughtfully: "That'll be tough. The infirmary is on the other side of the castle and Flitch and his stupid monkey are patrolling the corridors..."  
"Flitch has a monkey?!" asked surprised Garry.  
"Yeah, trained monkey," explained Dad. "He calls her Comrade Monkey, it runs through corridors at night and terribly screams whenever it meets someone. We've almost caught it once, but it ran away... Anyway, it won't be easy to get to the infirmary. The only way I see is..."  
"...on the roof!" ended it Mum.

* * *

 _On the roof_

They met at eleven o'clock under the roof trapdoor.  
"Won't someone catch us?" looked Garry around.  
"Don't worry," calmed him Dad down, "Pasta and Palm are guarding at the staircase. They'll call me if someone went there."  
"Why do you have their number and I don't?" raged Garry. "You'd better notice at last whose fan club it is!"  
"Oh right, you don't have to rage for everything," grinned Dad and opened the trapdoor. "Let's go!"  
"So, let's repeat the plan," said Mum, when they were all on the roof. "We have to get there before Crack. I'd say we can be on the roof of infirmary in forty minutes. Then, we'll send Garry down on the rope, because he's probably the lightest of us, with his inflated head and all..."  
"Stop it!" hissed Garry and hesitantly checked the strength of the rope.  
Mum continued: "You'll get to the window and there comes the weakest point of our plan. You'll knock on the window and hopefully they will understand it's you and open the window..."  
"And what if they won't?"  
Dad handed a hammer to Garry: "Then it will be the time for brute force." Garry sighed. He couldn't help feeling that their plan contains too much "if" and "hopefully".  
"Then," continued Mum with retelling their plan, "you'll put the water in place of ethanol. We'll, meanwhile, get Son and Evil up. And if you ask politely, we will get you up as well."  
Garry gifted him with one of his most hateful grins. "Let's go," he said. "We don't have time."  
They crossed the roof of Black building in a while, but then they had to face the first problem. They had to climb one of castle towers. Garry gulped.  
"Don't worry, we just have to get on it! Then it will be down the hill!" cheered him Dad up.  
"I'm much calmer now, thanks," said Garry.  
Then, they had to climb several steep roofs and one smaller tower. However, at five to midnight, they arrived to the infirmary roof.  
Dad tied the rope to Garry's waist. "Hurry up, it's nearly midnight!" he blurted, tied the other end of the rope on one of the ensigns and he sent Garry down.  
Garry knocked on the window. "Hey," he whispered, "Son, open, please!"  
"Heeelp, a ghost!" he heard Evil's voice from inside. He heard that Son said something as well, but he didn't know what.  
"It's me, Garry!" he shouted. "Open it, quick!"  
Son stood hesitantly up and went to the window. "What are you doing here, Garry?" he looked on him with surprise.  
"We've came to save you, Son," explained Garry, "open the window, please! Crack, Crap and Oil will arrive here in a moment!"  
Son opened the window.  
Garry climbed in and untied the rope. "We have to get you outta here!" he explained. "Mum and Dad will lift you up, I have to do something here." He ran to the room with medicines, poured the ethanol into his prepared bottle and poured the water into the bottle where ethanol was before. He closed the medicine cabinet and returned to the beds. Son wasn't there, but Evil kept sitting on his bed.  
"Come on, we don't have time!" hissed Garry. "Crack, Crap and Oil will come here and beat you up!"  
"I'm not going anywhere!" moved Evil the blanket under his chin. "I would fall down and die! And the infirmary is locked, anyway!"  
"Are you sure that Crap and Oil won't break the door?" looked Garry on his watch. 0:03! They can arrive anytime! "Come on, Evil, it's now or never!"  
"Never!" murmured Evil and hid his head under his blanket. Garry tied the rope and stroke it. In a moment, he was up on the roof.

* * *

 _The unexpected meeting_

"Don't complain," commanded Crack his sidekicks, "the only possible way is on the roof! After climbing on this wall, we'll be on the roof of the infirmary."  
They climbed the wall. Frightened Crack screamed. He wasn't prepared for meeting anyone at all. "What are you doing here, Poker?" he regained his senses.  
"I'm having a night-time stroll with my friends," pointed Garry on Measlys behind him. "Fresh air never hurts!"  
"Oh?" grinned Crack, "why here, from all of the places?" He circled them carefully. "Don't meddle with my business, Poker!"  
"Don't worry, I will only fuck it up!" shouted Garry and jumped on the wall in a moment. Son, Mum and Dad jumped behind him. Garry stood up on the wall and waved with the bottle with ethanol. "Is it what you want, by chance?"  
"Catch 'em!" yelled Crack on Crap and Oil. All of them started to climb the wall. Garry, Son and twins started to run. They circled the outer atrium on the roof several times, but they wouldn't escape Crack.  
"Let's hide behind this chimney," whispered Mum and pointed on huge double black chimney of school kitchen. They ran behind its corner.  
From another corner, they've heard a mysterious voice: "Quickly, here!"  
They've turned. On the corner, there stood a small fat man with enormous round head and he waved on them: "Quickly!"  
They didn't have time to think. They ran after him, and then they got very surprised. In the gap between the chimney and one of castle towers stood a tiny house. The small man was opening the door. "Get in, quickly!" he smiled.  
The house was tiny, but everyone managed to squeeze in there. The small man locked the door and turned off the light.  
"Who are you?" Son widened his eyes.  
"You don't know me, boy?" asked the outraged small man. "You've never read Astrid Lindgren as a child?"  
Bewildered Son looked to Garry, who had a little bigger knowledge of writers.  
"Child from Bullerbyn?" Garry tried.  
The little man frown widened. From the outside, they've heard footsteps and the man waved with his hands. "Maybe they will be more successful?" he started approaching the door with his keys.  
"No!" stopped him Garry, "we'll recall it!"  
They started to whisper desperately, but Mum and Dad also didn't have a clue. "Can we have a clue?" asked Garry at the end.  
"Oh, this is an outrage!" put the small man his hands akimbo. "Alright," he pointed with his fat finger to Garry's face, "but you will bake pies for me! Three in a day! I am tired of paying for them, and I don't have many coins anymore..."  
Garry nodded. He didn't have another chance, because he's heard Crack's voice from outside.  
"I live on the roof and I have a propeller in my bottom!" revealed the small man.  
Garry was trying to recall the memories of children literature he's never read, but in vain. Then he's got an idea. "Can I ask my magic box?" he asked and pulled out his cellphone.  
"You have a magic box?" eyed the man with propeller suspiciously the cellphone.  
"Yes!" blurted Garry. "I have... my memory in it!"  
"Okay," moved the mysterious man his arms to his chest. He wanted to know how the magic box works. "But it will cost you five pies!" he added.  
Garry dialled Hormone's number with his trembling fingers.  
"Danger," Hormone's sleepy voice came from the cellphone.  
"Hi, Hormone," said Garry in voice as sweet as he could make. "I hope it isn't an inappropriate time to call you?"  
"It's inappropriate time whenever you call, you stupid dolt!" yelled raging Hormone.  
"Let me speak!" shouted frightened Garry. "It's a matter of life and death!"  
"What do you need, then?" allowed him Hormone kindly to continue.  
"I need to know something," recited Garry quickly, while the man was impatiently waiting. "A character of Astrid Lindgren, it lives on the roof and it has a propeller in its bottom..."  
"SHUT UP YOU MOTHERFUCKER!" echoed the raging Hormone's voice in his ear. Garry's phone almost fell down. "Do you think it's funny to call me at half past midnight and ask me stupid trivial questions about Karlsson from the roof? You foul..."  
But Garry had already ended the call. "Thanks, Hormone," he smiled for himself.  
"So, who am I?" the small man pointed to Garry's forehead once again.  
"Karlsson from the roof," answered Garry and sighed with relief.  
Karlsson from the roof smiled: "Nice to meet you. So, did I say seven pies?"  
"No, you've said..." complained Son feebly.  
"You're right, boy, I didn't!" turned Karlsson to him. "Ten pies and hot chocolate every day!"

* * *

 _At the breakfast_

Garry, Son, Mum and Dad were sitting sinisterly at the breakfast. Mum and Dad called their mum and dad before a while and they tried to persuade Mrs. Measly to bake ten pies every day for them. Mum's right ear was still deaf.  
"We're fucked," bowed Garry his head. "I had a message on my window this morning..." He threw a paper on the table:

I WANT MY PIES AT MIDDAY STOP I LIKE BLUEBERRIES STOP YOURS KARLSSON STOP

Hormone sat to their table and she threw an angry look on Garry with her pistachio eyes: "What did the stupid joke mean yesterday? You could at least think of something smarter!"  
"That wasn't a joke," defended Garry. He explained how Crack and his pals chased them and how did Karlsson save them. "You've saved us when you told us it's Karlsson from the roof. So, I wanted to..." Garry swallowed his pride, which took him five minutes. "...thank you."  
"Do you really expect me to believe that you were saved by Karlsson from the roof?"  
Garry nodded. "But not for free, we have to bake him ten pies every day now..." he added and handed his message to Hormone.  
Hormone frowned. "Do you think I've gone completely crazy? This is your way to persuade me to bake pies for you? Forget it! Even if I agreed that Karlsson from the roof exists, you have to pay your own debts!" Hormone removed a mold from sliced cheese with a skilful move with a knife and bit the croissant. Croissants from Monday were still eatable on Tuesday.  
Palm and Pasta Pettile sat to the opposite side of their table. Surprisingly, it was Son who's got an idea: "Hey," he turned to them, "we want a proof that you deserve to be in Garry's fan club!"  
Palm and Pasta giggled. "What do you want?" asked Palm.  
"Are you good in cooking?" checked Son and they nodded.  
"We need," leaned Son to them, "ten pies every day..."  
"Twelve!" blurted Garry. "Twelve blueberry pies!"  
Hormone's eyes met the ceiling.

* * *

 _Flood of friends' visits_

In the Wednesday evening, Karlsson from the roof visited them. He was clearly in a good mood. When he arrived, he held a pie in both his fat hands and he was happily eating them. He curiously looked into their room, and the thing which intrigued him the most was their water closet. He apparently tried to enter it, as a loud boom could be heard several times from it. In the end, Karlsson flew out of there with wet hair. "What is it?" he asked them. "A torturing machine?" He dried his face and left their room with buzz of his engine.  
Garry took a Dealing and Shuffling book and tried to understand something from it. Son also took a book, but quiet snoring told Garry that Son wasn't exactly reading.  
They were woken up with a start by wild knocking on the door. Frightened Garry jumped up from his bed.  
"Open the door, you assholes!" said a familiar voice behind the door.  
Garry opened carefully. Someone put a mop onto his face through the gap.  
"Do you think it's funny to make a flood in our room?" appeared the head of Hormone Danger behind the mop.  
"Hi, Hormone, how are you?" asked Garry foolishly.  
"Entirely wet from a flood on our toilet! I also had a book there, and it's also entirely wet now!" raged Hormone.  
"But we didn't..." started Garry.  
"And who did?" turned Hormone her head. "Do you want to tell me that Karlsson from the roof was examining your toilet?!"  
"Of course, we..." appeared Son behind Garry, who silenced him with stamping on his foot. "Ow! That hurts!" shouted Son.  
"I'm sorry," turned Garry to him, "I've thought you are You-can-guess-who."  
Hormone handed the mop to Garry. "Clean it at once!"  
They spent next hour and half cleaning the mess in Hormone's bathroom to the point of it usable. "I'll strangle Karlsson when I get the chance," repeated Son throughout whole cleaning to Garry.  
"Hormone," shouted Garry to the room, "can you at least help us?"  
"I can't!" her voice refused it. "I'm polishing my nails!"  
"That girl starts to piss me off!" snarled Son.  
When they returned to their room, they noticed Evil had already returned from the infirmary.  
"No one came!" he pointed angrily to Garry. "And in the morning, Flitch noticed that someone put water into an ethanol bottle..."  
Garry's heart fell. He remembered he still had the bottle in his jacket.  
"This is police! In the name of law, open the door!" he heard from the door.  
Garry quickly took his jacket and threw it through an open window. "You haven't seen anything!" he threatened Evil and opened the door. In the door, Mum and Dad stood grinning.  
"You stupid idiots!" cried Garry.

* * *

 _The "Poker" brand_

On Thursday, they had their first PE lesson.  
"Because we have a nice day," explained Captain Hook sharply on the start of the lesson, "we will try rowing!"  
"Can I attend a safer subject instead of PE?" whispered Garry to Son. "Taming of tigers or skydiving, for example?"  
"No! It's compulsory!" whispered Son.  
"But the teacher has a hook in the place of hand! And a wooden leg!"  
"Yeah, that's Captain Hook," explained Son, "she used to work at a ship casino. Dad told me, when her ship sank in Indonesia, she survived two weeks on a cannibal island!"  
"And did the cannibals survive it?!" groaned Garry and Son shrugged.  
"Everyone to the pier!" ordered Captain Hook. "The last one will run three times around the castle!"

At the end of the lesson, Professor McDonald came to the lake. "So, how many of them have you drowned already, Captain?" she laughed.  
Hook saluted: "No one yet! Only one boy fell to the water and he's in the infirmary now!"  
"Evil Long B.," looked Professor McDonald on her students. "I would like to speak with Poker for a moment, is it possible?"  
Garry was frightened. Someone has clearly found the bottle of ethanol in his jacket on the atrium. And now they've obviously found out whose jacket is it. He hesitantly followed Professor McDonald, who led him into her room. A fat, bald man in green jumpsuit was already sitting there.  
"Are you good at football?" Professor surprised Garry with her question.  
"N-n-not that good," he stuttered. The man behind McDonald's table fumed.  
"And would you like to play for Sniffindoor at the House Cup?" Professor McDonald continued with bringing surprising news.  
The fat man stood up and dried his forehead: "Is he even able to kick a ball?"  
"That's not so important," answered McDonald coldly. "You know very well that Sniffindoor team is in an economic crisis!" She took a paper from the table and she waved with it in front of man's nose. "Only T-shirts with Poker's name will bring us enough money to pay our debts from last three years! And we may even afford new football shoes!"  
"As a coach, I cannot sign new players only because of their name," tried the fat sweating man to object. "And we do not sign first years!"  
"And I as a general manager tell you that Poker is our only hope! Make him a midfielder, he can't make us lose then!" shouted McDonald. "We've ended on the last place last two years, anyway, so we have nothing to lose!"

"What?" Son almost choked a fish finger at the dinner. "Where did you sign?"  
"At Sni-ffin-door foot-ball team!" syllabified Garry. "I've told you ten times already, you should be able to remember it!"  
"Don't forget to go at the training tomorrow, then!" smiled Mum and pointed on Dad: "We also play there."  
"Yeah," started Dad to laugh, "our coach uses us to save one substitution. I play first half and Mum plays second half."  
"No, I play first half and you play second half!"  
"A training?!" Garry almost choked. "I've thought we'll just go play football!"  
"Don't worry, Garry," patted Mum his back, "you'll just stand on the right side of the centre of the field, and if the ball comes to you, you'll kick it forward!"  
"When is the first match?" asked Garry.  
"The first round takes place after a month," drummed Mum with his fingers, "Litterout against Riff Raff on Saturday and we against Hellclaw on Sunday."  
Son impaled the last fish stick. "If Captain Iglo saw this, he'd hang himself!"

* * *

 _Who is who?_

"This History of cards homework is insane," mumbled Garry in the evening in their room and he bit his pen, "how can I know what was the first card in the world?!"  
"It could be in the book," turned Son in bed to other side, "but it would be easier to go ask Hormone."  
Garry hesitated. The book was apparently on the bottom of the pile of clothes, plastic bags, plastic bottles, books and exercise books in the middle of their room. "Yeah, I guess that would be easier," said Garry and stood up.  
He slided the railing down to the first floor, removed dust from his knees, entered the corridor and knocked on door number 113. He didn't wait for permission and entered. At the sink, a blonde girl was cleaning her teeth.  
"Hey, you," smiled Garry, "no one knows your name and I don't care about it, but... is Hormone here?"  
The girl spat out the toothpaste, widened her eyes and ran away crying.  
"What? Why?" shouted Garry behind her, but she couldn't hear him as she had her head under the pillow and cried. 'Everyone's reaction on meeting a famous person is very different', assumed Garry and looked into the room. Hormone wasn't there, so he decided to leave. He left the room, closed the door and started to yell. A giant book in leather binding stood in front of him.  
The book moved itself several decimetres lower and Hormone's head appeared. "What are you doing?" she raised her eyebrows.  
"Oh, it's you," relaxed Garry, "hi, Hormone, I was seeking you..."  
"You've found me, then." The eyebrows sank.  
"I was seeking you in your room, but your roommate whose name I don't know wasn't able to speak with me."  
The eyebrows were raised again. "What do you mean, wasn't able to speak with you? She didn't know how to say 'your signature, please?'?" Garry ignored or missed her sarcasm and he explained shortly to her what had happened.  
"Garry," the eyebrows were moving up and down so quickly that Garry could not watch it anymore, "will you ever think about how you treat other people?"  
"No," answered Garry honestly.  
"Then you shouldn't be surprised if you make someone cry, especially someone as emotionally unstable as Brownie Lavender..."  
"Well she shouldn't have exaggerated it so," shrugged Garry, "who could remember that much people?"  
Garry has never seen her eyebrows that low. "There are thirteen people in our year in Sniffindoor, it can't be that problematic to remember all first names!"  
"You're also exaggerating, I remember them!" returned Garry her frown.  
"Name them!" encouraged him Hormone.  
Garry stumbled. "I, you," Garry started counting on his fingers, "Son, Evil, that other guy from our room..."  
"That's not a name!"  
"Let me think... I know, Dan, Dan Lowmass! And his weird friend with that funny hairstyle and even funnier name... Samuel Minigun, and Palm and Pasta Pettile..." tried Garry to recall the names.  
"That's eight," interrupted him Hormone, "go on."  
"That roommate of yours whose name you've just mentioned."  
"Whose name is?"  
Garry tried to think of the cruellest ways to murder her. "Lavender Brown!" he guessed blindly.  
"Lavender Brown is a different name of a different character of a different saga!" corrected him Hormone. "My roommate's name is entirely different: Brownie Lavender!"  
"Ok, Brownie Lavender then," surrendered Garry. "That's enough, isn't it?"  
"Four to go."  
"Also, that tall black-haired boy living opposite to us!" remembered Garry. "That one with new radio!"  
"Peter Sheppard," nodded Hormone, "three to go. By the way, tell him he is allowed to turn down the voice when you meet him."  
"Three to go?" echoed desperately Garry. "Ummm... Georgia Brown?"  
"Georgia Brown is from Riff Raff."  
"Alright, I give up!" snarled Garry.  
"Peta Black, Camille Cobblestone, they both live here," pointed Hormone on her room, "and Margaret Funnel, who lives in the next room."  
"Great," yawned Garry, "I swear on my honour and conscience that I will try to learn it, even if I had to use the reserves of my brain."  
"Sometimes, I doubt the very existence of your honour and conscience," smiled Hormone sweetly, "and I totally refuse to believe that your brain has reserves."  
"Yeah, I do admire you," snarled Garry and turned, "good night."  
"What did you want, anyway?" shouted Hormone behind him.  
"Oh right!" cried Garry, turned back and pulled out a folded paper. "We have just a little question about our History of Cards homework!"  
Her eyebrows rocketed to unbelievable heights only to fall back down. "Show it."


	8. Chapter 8: The match

Chapter eight, where our heroes will fight their temptation and commit a few sins. Luckily, they will stop before the most serious one.

 **The match**

 _Greed_

Following weeks passed in a fun spirit. For example, they managed to pack Evil into a huge box and send him to his grandma by post. He returned after four days, and this incident meant a detention for Garry and Son, they had to sweep the classrooms in the evenings. Or once, before a Game Style lesson, they glued Hormone's hands to her table, so she wasn't able to raise her hand whole lesson. Since this moment, she's been refusing to help Garry and Son with their homework.  
The day of Garry's first match was nearing mercilessly. McDonald hadn't revealed that Garry will play for Sniffindoor yet. She explained to him that unofficial rumours will increase the popularity of goods with his name. The press conference would therefore take place just before the match.  
Garry silently agreed. When the news about him in the Sniffindoor team had spread, his fan club earned two more people: Dan Lowmass and Celie Creaker from Riff Raff.  
"What time is it?" squinted Garry into the daylight.  
"A quarter to ten," answered Son sitting by the table.  
"Why are you awake already?" asked surprised Garry and sat up.  
"Evil snored terribly, I couldn't sleep," yawned Son, "so I train card shuffling."  
Garry looked around the room: "And where are Evil and Dan now, by the way?"  
"At the library," answered Son, "at least the note on the wardrobe says so."  
"At the library?" Garry's eyes widened. "There's a library in our school?"  
"We should go to the breakfast," changed Son the subject, "we can have it until ten at the weekends. You'd know it also, if you wouldn't sleep to half past eleven last six weekends.  
They changed quickly and hurried to the canteen. It was almost empty. They took their portions and sat to the table.  
"They should start adding a chocolate into the crust," examined Garry the contents of his cup.  
Then, other customers entered the school canteen – Crack O. Malefoil and Crap and Oil, his sidekicks. When Crack noticed Garry, he turned to his table.  
"Hello Beckham," he uttered. "We're still in debt, aren't we?"  
"No, you aren't," answered bewildered Garry and started to chop his roll.  
"YOU are," sighed Cracko, "but to the subject, Pokerino, you were at the infirmary where you had no reason to be and you meddled into my business. So, unless you want to have broken limbs even BEFORE your first match, you'd better pay your debts today."  
"Less words, more facts, Malefoil," retorted Garry.  
"We've kidnapped your friend, the weedblood!" recited Crack with a honey-like voice. "And we will do terrible things to her if you don't bring me a bottle of Hybrid's alcohol to Litterout roof until midnight." Crap and Oil laughed. Then, all three of them turned and left the canteen.  
Garry buried his face in his palms. "She's not even a member of my fan club," he said with a surprise.  
"What to do now?" turned Son to him.  
Garry was deep in thought. "We have three possibilities," he stated. "We can do nothing and hope he will only burn her books or something, or we can steal Hybrid's alcohol and bring it to Malefoil, or we can find out where Hormone is and save her."  
Before the noon, they tried to visit Hybrid. He wouldn't open, but they could hear his snoring from his cottage, which had to be heard even in the nearest city. Garry looked through his window and saw Hybrid sleeping happily on the floor, with three open and empty bottles around him.  
At the noon, they were sitting on the bed and meditating above one of the bottles. Son insisted that if they poured water into it, the liquid would still be stronger alcohol than any other known alcohol, but Garry was afraid that Malefoil wouldn't be fooled.  
After the lunch, they've considered coming there with empty bottle, Mum and Dad and giving Malefoil a good fight. However, Mum and Dad disappeared before lunch and Garry with Son couldn't find them.  
Before the dinner, Son started to think about filling the bottle with Evil.  
In the evening, Garry finally decided they will listen to the advice _If you can think of nothing more, your head can always break the door._  
They've arrived to the roof before ten o'clock, hid behind stones on their side of the roof and examined the situation. At eleven o'clock, the trapdoor opened and a girl ran to them.  
"Hey guys, I have to speak with you," joined them Hormone, "Dan told me you're here."  
"We don't have a time," interrupted her Son, "Malefoil has kidnapped you and we have to save you!"  
Garry turned to her. "It really isn't the right time now," he hissed. "Can you wait to tomorrow?"  
Hormone silently stared at them. Then she sat with the back to a little wall. She didn't persevered silent for long: "Don't you think that your brave plan contains a small, tiny flaw?" She used as much irony as she could.  
Son angrily shouted at her: "Look, Malefoil is keeping you a hostage and we don't even have a good plan how to get you out and you come here and keep talking to us! How on earth can we focus on it?"  
Hormone pulled out a joint from her pocket. "I'll have to smoke many joints to get on your thinking level," she sighed and lighted it.  
"Wait a minute," shouted Garry. "If Malefoil has kidnapped you, how can you be here?"  
"Ten points to Sniffindoor," chuckled Hormone. "Do you want?" she offered him a joint.  
From that moment on, Hormone Danger became their friend. There are some things you must share to end up liking each other.

* * *

 _Wrath_

"So, Cracko has told you he kidnapped me, and you've fell for it," laughed Hormone. "Nevertheless, it was nice from you to try to save me."  
Garry puffed a cloud of smoke and handed joint to Son: "And where have you been, by the way?"  
"In the library, where else?" knocked Hormone on her forehead. "You could at least check it."  
Garry frowned: "I've just learned there is a library. You can't expect me to go there at once. Such a journey needs months of preparation. That much knowledge at once could kill me."  
Son stood up and leaned on the wall. "Look, there's still a light there," he pointed on the main wing of the castle, "isn't it the forbidden corridor on the third floor?"  
"Stop smoking, Son," snarled Garry.  
"Oh no," waved Son with his hand, "there really is a light. Will you lend me the binoculars?"  
Garry pulled out binoculars and handed it to Son. "Why do you have binoculars?" eyed him Hormone suspiciously.  
"Opposite to our room are Hellclaw girl showers," grinned Garry.  
"Riff Raff girl showers, Garry," corrected him Son and looked through binoculars.  
"Oh," shrugged Garry, "but they are showering without robes, how can I tell them apart?"  
"You pervs!" Hormone shook her head.  
"Grape's there!" shouted Son. "What is he doing there?!"  
"Why is Grape in Riff Raff girl showers?" asked bewildered Garry.  
"You idiot!" Son hit his head with the binoculars. "Grape is in the forbidden corridor!"  
"He's spying," pushed him Garry, "he's always spying everywhere. Last week, for example, he asked me what I was doing on school fields at midnight in underpants."  
"And what have you been doing on school fields at midnight in underpants?" asked Hormone.  
"Oh, it was because of that stupid bet with Mum and Dad," started Garry to explain, "I bet..."  
"And there is slot machine and things!" interrupted him Son. "Grape surely goes there every night to play them!"  
"And why Humbledore warn us that we will die a gruesome death if we go there?!" doubted it Hormone. "It doesn't make sense!"  
"I don't know," sat Son next to them. "He might just want us not to go there. Or he said it because he's an old fool."  
Suddenly, the trapdoor started to open. Two more silhouettes climbed on the roof.  
"I've told you that your students come here!" they've heard Flitch's croaking voice.  
They've stood up quickly, but it was too late for escape.  
"Quench it!" whispered Hormone to Son, who looked around desperately and swallowed the joint.  
"There they are!" pointed Flitch on them.  
"What are you doing here?" asked them strictly Professor McDonald, who was following Flitch.  
"We are watching bats!" blurted Garry out first idea he's got, pointing on the binoculars in Son's hand.  
"You should have been in your bed thirty minutes before!" pierced him McDonald with her eyes. "Especially you, Mr Poker, should sleep, in order to have enough stamina tomorrow!"  
"I am training here," mumbled Garry.  
"I was under the impression you were watching bats," frowned McDonald, "and you, Mr Measly?"  
"Huh, umm, ouch, it hurts!" sticked Son his tongue out.  
"And you have also disappointed me, Miss Danger. Why is an unbearable nerd like you on the roof at night?"  
"You won't call me an unbearable nerd!" raged Hormone. "You..."

* * *

 _Gluttony_

On Sunday, they organised a big breakfast at Garry's room, because Evil got a package from his granny full of food. When they unpacked it, the food was flooding from the table and falling to the ground, but Son managed to eat considerable amount of it before others had even sat down.  
"What is she playing at?" Hormone was jerking with her hand with sausage. "Calling me an unbearable nerd!"  
"You shouldn't have shouted on her, anyway. We wouldn't have a detention without it this evening," complained Son and spat cake crumbs on the table.  
"And what's more, you ARE an unbearable nerd," jeered Garry.  
"Come on." Hormone has torn a piece of onion baguette. "I think I am at least averagely bearable nerd."  
"No nerd is bearable," explained Son with full mouth, "when girl is bearable, she isn't a nerd, and when she is a nerd, she isn't bearable." Garry and Dan Lowmass were zealously nodding.  
"Don't speak with full mouth," frowned Hormone, "or rather, don't think with full mouth."  
"You don't have to raise your hand all the time," said Dan. "Someone else may feel stupid when he doesn't know it."  
"If I wouldn't raise my hand, you still won't know it," the pistachio glare landed on him, "so you would feel stupid anyway, wouldn't you?" Dan Lowmass went red and took a ham and cheese.  
"But you should understand," added Garry, "that it can make teachers think we can learn it as well if you managed it. That is basically a deceptive advertising."  
"Can't you do it? Would opening a book kill you?"  
"History of cards book knocked me down yesterday," showed Son his lump. "And I didn't even try to open it!"  
"When is the match, Garry?" changed Dan the subject.  
"Two o'clock," answered Garry and tore a leg from fried chicken. "Son, has my fan club prepared choreography?"  
"Of course," winked Son, "it's a surprise for you."  
"Oh my god," sighed Hormone, "when will you stop with the fan club nonsense?"  
"You can call me Garry freely, Hormone," grinned Garry and bit a chicken with self-centred smile.  
"Oh, you're an idiot," laughed Hormone. A piece of tomato exploded between Garry's eyes.  
"Hello!" Mum and Dad ran into the room. "You're pretty lucky to eat here today," laughed Mum, "although there's surely fun in the canteen, also."  
"Fun in the canteen?" doubted Garry. "I can't imagine that."  
"Last time when there was a fun was last year, when their ceremonial meat had escaped and they were chasing it with a broom," smiled Dad, "but we will have a good laugh there today as well."  
"We finally had an opportunity to make use of the infirmary ethanol," explained Mum. "From that memorable day when we have found it in atrium in unknown jacket..." he looked meaningfully on Garry.  
"Which you should return back to me," frowned the latter.  
"...we had our first chance to use it today," continued Mum.  
"So we have spiked the chocolate in school canteen," explained Dad.  
"And we have left the empty bottle in front of the kitchen door," chuckled Mum, "with sign _Crack O. Malefoil_ – _the best alcohol in the school._ "

* * *

 _Sloth_

"So, Garry," explained Sniffindoor captain Alva Food, "we have to pull out at least draw today, Hellclaw team isn't that strong."  
"How many points do we earn for House Tournament?" asked Garry.  
"Ten points for attending the match," said Food. "Thirty points for draw and fifty points if we happen to win."  
Then, the coach came and started to explain their tactics last minute. Garry's role seemed to be to run along the right border of the field and to pass balls forward. The coach murmured he will let Garry play the whole match today as he's a new star who has to be seen.  
They entered the pitch. Garry looked around the tribune opposite to him. Police officers with riot shields separated Sniffindoor fans from Hellclaw fans. Garry noticed that Son had shouted something. Blue flares rocketed to the sky. "Poker! Poker! Poker!" the chanting could be heard.  
Garry clapped his hands above his head and sent some air kisses to his fans. Pasta Pettile swooned. Garry turned. On the other side of the pitch, between the locker rooms, there was a small VIP tribune. When he focused, he saw familiar faces of his teachers. Grape was frowning and he mumbled something. Garry thought to himself: "He tries to curse me or what?" Humbledoor waved to him with blue flag with Sniffindoor clubs.  
But the whistle was already blown and the match started. Garry was walking by the centre circle and waited for a pass.  
"We are the champions, my friend," started Sniffindoor fans to chant, "we'll keep beating Hellclaw 'til the end..."

"And now sport news. Football. A long-awaited match of two Polná houses FC Sniffindoor and AFC Casino Hellclaw took place in the afternoon. The final result is 0-0. Garry Poker, new player of Sniffindoor team, had the biggest opportunity to score, but he failed to catch a pass in front of empty net. Whisker from the opposing team also did not score when he made an attempt from 20 meters far above the goalpost in eighty-fifth minute. Litterout, which blasted Riff Raff 5-1 yesterday, hereby takes the lead. Roulette. The Havířov tournament today was unsurprisingly won by..."  
Garry turned the radio off. "That pass could definitely be slower," he frowned on Mum.  
"If only you wouldn't be lazy and ran the two meters..."  
"Am I a sprinter to run on a field?" he stretched himself.  
"And last ten minutes, you were only crawling on the field!" commented Mum on Garry's performance. "And after the match, you lied on the pitch and slept for half an hour!"  
"But that was after I drank!" shouted Garry. "Someone spiked my drink! Of course, ten minutes before the end of the match I saw Grape running from the substitute bench behind the tribune!

* * *

 _Pride_

In the evening after the match, Garry, Son and Hormone attended their detention for their roof party. Professor McDonald ordered them to clean the decorative pond in the school garden.  
"Eww, it stinks as if herd of skunks has drown in it!" plugged Son his nose as they approached it.  
"Skunks don't live in herds," corrected him Hormone automatically.  
"You'd better shut up," snarled Son and threw rubber gloves and brush to her. "We're here because of you! You didn't have to tell her she is an old mad hag..."  
Hormone sat on the side of the pond and started to get the gloves on: "She started when she called me an unbearable nerd..."  
"We've discussed that..." murmured Garry and pulled a dead fish out of the pond with scoop.  
"Well okay, then," lowered Hormone her hands. "Next time I am high and there will be a danger of meeting a professor, tape my mouth."  
"With pleasure," grinned Garry. "As this detention insults my pride, I would preventively do it forever."  
"Forget that," snarled Hormone. "This is Malefoil's fault, anyway. He made you go to the roof and then he told Flitch about you."  
"You think?" Garry, taken aback, dropped the scoop into the water.  
"I do." Hormone threw an angry look on him. "But you don't!"

"Well, we have to pour clean water into it and it's done," stated Garry happily.  
"Finally," complained Son, who was brushing last pieces of dirt from the bottom.  
"We are doing it for three hours and it's dark already! And why does she only hold the flashlight, it's only her fault!"  
"You didn't dare asking Flitch to borrow it, so stop complaining!" shined Hormone directly to his eyes. Son spat out angrily. "And because of you, McDonald forbade us to go to the concert in summer cinema on Saturday! And Ace of base will play there! We had our tickets already!"  
"It will be sorted out somehow," calmed him Garry, "I have a plan."  
The stream moved from Son's to Garry's face. " _You_ have a plan?"  
"Yes, _I_ have a plan."  
"I was afraid that the cleaning of the pond will be the worst thing to happen," lowered Hormone the flashlight. "Tell us."  
"It's not your business," snarled Son. "You're not going with us, or else..."  
"Why not?" asked Hormone in a very Dangerous (1) way. "I also do have tickets!"  
"I was afraid that the cleaning of the pond will be the worst thing to happen," retorted Son. He quickly moved as Hormone started to fill up the pond with water. "Stop it!"

Hormone sat on the chair in front of the B9 classroom. "If the Defence against Cheating is cancelled once more, I'll go and tell Humbledoor!" she objected to Garry. "I bet that Birell is drunk again!"  
Dan Lowmass approached them from the staircase. "Urquell is absent today," he exclaimed to the class. "Alcohol poisoning. He's on the infirmary and he should be okay in three weeks.  
"That's enough!" Hormone stood up and started to leave.  
"Oh, calm down, Hormone!" Garry caught up with her. "Or they will find someone to replace him!"  
"Even I would teach it better," Hormone went down a side corridor, "I have read the whole book already, anyway."  
"Ho ho, I see your nose up in the sky..." sung Garry.  
"I can afford it," retorted Hormone and knocked on Humbledoor's door.  
The door opened and Professor Grape appeared. He pierced Garry with his look. Garry noticed Grape had noticeable circles under his eyes. "Five points from Sniffindoor," he said through clenched teeth, waved with his cloak and left through the middle of the corridor.  
Hormone looked in carefully. "Hello, can I speak with the Headmaster, please?" she turned to his secretary who was closing a box with vitamin dietary supplement.  
"Is it his consulting hours now or what?" snarled the secretary.  
Hormone's head disappeared from the door, but it returned after few seconds.  
"It is," she smiled.

"How did it end?" asked her Son at the lunch.  
"Funny," said Hormone thoughtfully, "that man really is pretty insane. When I entered, he tried to water me. I've tried to explain what's going on, but he mumbled a song and then he started a solitaire on his table. And he was shouting: 'Cock-a-doodle-doo!' 'Cock-a-doodle-doo!' all the time. I would almost say he is a lunatic."  
"NEVER INSULT NIGGERUS HUMBLEDOOR IN FRONT OF ME!" shouted Hybrid from teacher's table.  
"Sorry, Hybrid," shouted Garry. "We didn't notice you!"  
"I doubt that," scratched Son his head. "They've always said that Humbledoor is very smart. He's, after all, the best card player ever! Long ago he has beaten evil gambler Grinderward and destroyed his net of illegal casinos! He is one of founders of Card museum! He has won all bridge tournaments in the country since 1939! So don't tell me he is mad..."  
"Well, his acts are mad," shrugged Hormone.  
"I'll visit him tomorrow and I'll check it," decided Garry. "I might get something from him as a celebrity. More important is to find out what Grape is up to and what was he doing in the forbidden corridor on Saturday. And we have met him today and he has circles under his eyes. He clearly visits it every day!"  
"Maybe he's guarding it," shrugged Hormone. "I don't understand why do you blame him. It is surely because you think he doesn't like you, Garry."  
"But he doesn't like me!" shouted Garry. "He tried to curse me at football! And then he spiked my drink! And I've met him yesterday and he yelled 'Can't you say Hello?' before I could escape!"  
"Curse you?" looked Hormone on him. "Do you think that Grape is a wizard or are you kidding me? There is no such thing as magic, Garry!"  
"Grape wants something there," Garry didn't listen. He was thinking. "Of course, the package!" he shouted.  
"What package?" turned both Son and Hormone to him.  
Garry explained to them how Hybrid has taken an important package from the bank and then someone broke into the bank and sneaked into the empty standby vault of Polná school. "Humbledoor clearly tries to hide the package from Grape, who tries to take it!" he tried to persuade them.  
"That is complete bullshit, Garry!" waved Hormone with her hands. "Why would Grape want a package? Why would Humbledoor hide it from him at the school? Why would Humbledoor not sack him? And Grape is a teacher! Your theories are as holey as a journalist after twelve years in Baghdad!"  
"We have to find this out!" Garry clearly didn't lose his interest.  
"And what's the stupidest of it is your suspicion that Grape spiked your drink," knocked Hormone on her forehead. "Why would he do that?"  
"Hormone, do you think that all teachers are angels or what?" mumbled Son.  
Garry didn't pay attention to them. "Hybrid maybe knows about the package," he deduced. "We have to ask him."

* * *

 _Envy_

"But I don't know anyfink 'bout da package, Garry," prevaricated Hybrid, "an' even if I did by chance, I wouldn't tell yeh, 'coz Humbledoor's ordered me not ter tell anyone dat I brought it from Prague fer him ter hide it in da castle on da fird floor... Damnit, yeh fuckin' bastards! Yeh've got me!"  
"So, it's true!" shouted Son. "And Grape wants to steal the package!"  
"Dat's nonsense," shook Hybrid with his head. "Grape's helped me, McDonald, Birell and STAT hide it dere. An' dis is also top secret, so ferget it at once! An' stop writin' it down, girl!" he pointed on Hormone.  
"I am only doing my UNO homework," showed Hormone the paper to Hybrid. "I don't care about Garry's conspiracy theory."  
"But Grape visits it all the time," persevered Garry. "He spends whole nights there, and when I saw him last time, he had circles under his eyes!"  
"Ferget dat package, Garry!" said Hybrid. "Don't even dare go ter da corridor! Why's it hidden dere is only business o' Humbledoor an' Nicole Funnel!"  
"But Grape's up to something!" shouted Garry. "On Sunday while we were playing football, he tried to make me sleep! He spiked my drink with a sleeping potion, and I tottered a lot after drinking it and I lied on the pitch and slept!"  
"Garry," looked Hybrid on him rather doubtfully, "Professor Grape's totally useless at dis. He couldn't make a potion as yeh call it. When he had flu las' year, I even had ter make a tea wif honey an' lemon fer him."  
Garry with Son and Hormone sheepishly said goodbye and aimed to their hostel.  
"Nicole Funnel?" stopped Harry at the half of his way back to school. "Who is Nicole Funnel?"

Next day, Garry went to visit Humbledoor.  
"Hello, Professor," he slipped into his office.  
"How did you get in here, Garry?" asked surprised Humbledoor. Garry could see only his head above a table. "I forbade my secretary to let anyone in. Do you have an invisibility cloak?"  
"I don't," smiled Garry. He decided that it would be useless to try to explain that secretary was distracted by Karlsson who constantly buzzed behind the window.  
"Why did you come here, Garry?" Humbledoor casted an examining look on him.  
"Well, I came to see if you are really m-," Garry stopped just in time, "to see if you needed something or something like that... I was passing your office by chance."  
"By chance," mumbled Professor Humbledoor. Garry approached the table and Humbledoor ducked.  
"Why do you try to hide?" asked Garry and leaned over the table. Then, he jumped several meters behind. "And why... why... do you... have a bra?"  
Humbledoor looked on an enormous mirror on the side of the room. Garry noticed it. "You surely didn't pose with it in front of a mirror?"  
"You see, Garry, everyone has his weak spots..." laughed Humbledoor. "You like to brag about how did you beat Doctor Wasltessmerst and I like to pose in front of a mirror in women's underwear. You'll understand when you're older." He pointed to the mirror. "And when I have such a nice mirror in my office, it would be terrible not to make use of it." He sighed. "Sometimes it's completely controlling me, Garry, the mirror drives me mad. Who would ever say that I will spend whole day in front of the mirror?"  
Garry, however, already wasn't paying attention. He stood in front of the mirror and posed. "That's really cool mirror!" he said, fascinated. "I would also like to have a mirror like that! I envy you very much!"  
"Do not envy, Garry," frowned Professor Humbledoor, "if someone else owns a thing you would like to have, be grateful for him or take it for yourself, but it is useless to envy him!" Garry thought it was nonsense, but he still nodded.  
"Would you like to see something even more amazing, Garry?" winked Humbledoor on him.  
"I-I wouldn't, thank you," stuttered Garry, as he thought of what more amazing could he see, and measured the length of the way to door with his eyes.  
"I also have a scar! Above my knee!" boasted Professor Humbledore. "It doesn't have as good history as yours, but its shape is far more amazing," he explained eagerly, but Garry was already at his fastest pace and he was disappearing through the corridor from Headmaster's office. Humbledoor only leaned through the door and shouted: "It looks exactly like web of trolleybuses in Polná! And next to it, I have a burn from ironing, which resembles the schedule of Polná trolleybuses!" And he added for himself: "Too bad that there are no trolleybuses in Polná, it would come in handy."

* * *

 _...and other leisures (2)_

"He'f... a bit weiwd," muttered Garry with his mouth full of steamed green beans, "but I wouldn't call him mad."  
"Did you ask about the package as well?" questioned him Son.  
"I hadn't an opportunity," saddened Garry. "He wouldn't tell me, anyway."  
"And Nicole Funnel?"  
"Also not." He thought about it: "But we can find something out about her. Hormone, wouldn't you like to search through some books in library and try to find something?"  
"Exactly," grinned Hormone, "exactly what I wouldn't like to do."  
"Surely you don't want to study again?" howled Son.  
"I wanted to study yesterday in the evening, but I've learned nothing, because SOMEONE in room above organised a techno party!" Hormone was still frowning. "And you haven't even invited me!"  
"Sorry, males only," chuckled Garry. "We were celebrating a little. Dan had birthday and he's got new binoculars from home, so we tried it and..."  
"Please left the details out," Hormone wringed her hands.  
"You wouldn't believe how much the binoculars can focus," let Garry himself to get lost in the memories, "and how many details can you see at the distance! I could maybe even read a book there!"  
"What about you trying it at the distance of one meter," smiled Hormone sweetly. "It's not that tough – if you know the alphabet!"

(1) This type of joke is far less funny in Czech original story.

(2) Did you expect any other name of subchapter?


	9. Chapter 9: The concert

Chapter nine, full of music, even though it isn't easy to get to the music. Above all, it is crucial to gain energy from food, which of course means a need to find better source of food than school canteen.

 **The concert**

 _Poker is a git_

Garry angrily went through a castle corridor. Only Professor Humbledoor lightened up his mood a bit, when he met Garry in front of the WC and he called Garry "Your Poker Majesty". However, Son then muttered that Hormone is probably right and Humbledoor is a lunatic. But the main source of Garry's bad mood were two lessons of Dealing and Shuffling which awaited him.  
The floor of the corridor suddenly started to quickly approach Garry's face. What does it mean?, he thought, but in the next moment, an unavoidable collision happened. Thousands of stars appeared in front of Garry's eyes.  
"Hello, Your Poker Majesty!" he's heard a slimy voice. This time, the title didn't fill Garry with happiness. He turned and noticed grinning Crack who leaned to a column. In the alcove behind him, like his obeying shadows, stood silhouettes of Crap and Oil.  
"You've made me trip up!" growled Garry and started to get up.  
"I've just wanted to help you collect this chip," pointed Crack, "it's your signature chip, isn't it? Anyway, it's called like you – a git!"  
"No one calls me git!"  
"I call you git, you git!" Malefoil started to walk and Crap with Oil came after him. "And you'd better hurry up now, the lesson starts in a minute."  
"You're just envious that you don't have a fan club!" shouted Garry, when they were in safe distance.

"Oh, a great git Mr Poker graciously decided to finally visit this lesson," said Grape's voice just behind Harry as he was trying to secretly sneak to his chair. "You may even stay here and present us your essay about shuffling with one hand, Mr Poker."  
Garry's heart fell: "An essay?"  
"Yes, an essay, namely the one which should have been handed to me the last lesson."  
Garry stood sheepishly in front of the class. "I did write the essay, but," he looked nervously to the ceiling, "I thought that the essay is not worthy of being heard by your ears, so I thought I would make it even better..."  
"No student essay is good enough to deserve being heard by my ears," uttered Grape, "therefore your try does not work. Do you have the essay or not?"  
"Umm, next time?" tried Garry to smile.  
"Fifteen points from Sniffindoor. And try to bring the essay in next time without lame excuses." Grape stood up from the teacher's table and looked around the classroom. "Was someone from Litterout at least a bit more successful today and prepared an essay for today's class without it being eaten by a dog, splashed by a flood, eaten by mice or taken by Karlsson from the roof?"  
Crack O. Malefoil stood up and started to go in front of the class. As he was passing the Garry's desk, the floor of the corridor suddenly started to quickly approach his face. What does it mean?, he thought, but in the next moment, an unavoidable collision happened. Thousands of stars appeared in front of Crack's eyes.  
"Welcome on the ground," teethed Garry.  
"Do you have fun, Mr Poker?" hissed Grape into his ears.  
"Pretty good fun," shrugged Garry, "though I'd like to have fun somewhere else."  
"Believe me, I also can imagine many more enjoyable ways how to spend a Friday afternoon than to teach a herd of uneducated simpletons," snarled Grape. Then he noticed Hormone with a raised hand: "Would you like to add something, Miss Danger?"  
"Excuse me, but I am not an uneducated simpleton!" retorted outraged Hormone.  
"Believe me, I also can imagine many more enjoyable ways how to spend a Friday afternoon than to teach a herd of uneducated simpletons in presence of an averagely bearable nerd," snarled Grape, this time to Hormone, who sat down to her desk.

"Do you see?" asked Hormone at lunch. "Grape, unlike McDonald, saw that I am not an unbearable nerd, but an averagely bearable nerd."  
"I can't understand why it is so important for you," shook Garry with his head.  
Hormone pointed into her plate of dill sauce: "This, Garry, is an unbearable lunch. It is thoroughly disgusting, no one likes it and the vast majority of people, except maybe Evil, would sell their own grandmother if it meant they wouldn't have to eat it." Hormone pulled out a paper box from her bag. "And this is pizza with pepperoni from pizzeria from Polná. It is averagely bearable, if you like spicy food."  
"No, I like chocolate," added Son to the talk.  
"That doesn't matter," dismissed him Hormone quickly. "But do you get the difference?"  
"No, I like chocolate," repeated Son.  
Hormone waved her hand and opened a pizza box.  
Garry was thinking about Hormone's speech. From what she's said, he started to be interested in one thing. "Where did you get the pizza from?"  
"They offer delivering the pizza here as well. Haven't you read their leaflet in the library?" Then, she broke her speech off. "Of course you haven't, you would have to go to the library first, wouldn't you?" she casted a meaningful look on him. "They had a bunch of them on the table," she added and handed him the leaflet.

 _ **CARD PIZZERIA IN POLNÁ  
**_ _underground under Sezimovo square_

 _Pizza delivery telephone number: 566 355 356  
_ _ **Delivery to Polná, Záborná and Dobroutov is free!**_

 _Margherita 1VC 5WC  
Funghi 2VC  
Salami 2VC 5WC  
Prosciutto 2VC 5WC  
Peperoni 2VC 6WC  
Tunna 2VC 4WC  
Pollo 3VC  
El Trumpalo 4VC  
Hawaii 1RC_

"I would never think of what can be found at library!" honestly admitted Garry.  
Son took the leaflet. "Terribly expensive," he grumbled.  
"You could have some money," retorted Garry, "I paid you a blue chip yesterday for being the leader of my fan club."  
"Payments, you see," complained Son. "Why on earth does Hawaii cost a whole red chip?"  
"There is no excuse for putting pineapple on pizza," explained Hormone.  
"What?" turned Garry and Son to her, dumbfounded.  
"The Last Continent by Terry Pratchett."  
"What?" turned Garry and Son to her, dumbfounded.  
"I'm sorry, I've forgotten that the last book you've read is _Drawing with Bob the Builder_ ," said Hormone poisonously. "The sentence with pizza and pineapple was a quotation from book named The Last Continent. If you want to read it, it is in school bookstore."  
"What?" turned Garry and Son to her, dumbfounded.  
"B-o-o-k-s-t-o-r-e!" Hormone's voice was raised into unexpected heights. "That's a building where you can go if you want to buy a b-o-o-k!"  
"Alright," Garry finally left his favourite question, "we know you're the smartest here, you don't have to remind us all of the time. We know what a bookstore is."  
"You do... in your better days," admitted Hormone.  
"Does the pizzeria deliver in Saturdays?" returned Garry to the previous subject.  
"Yeah," nodded Hormone with full mouth.  
"That means I already know how to get to the concert."  
"Drawing with Bob the Builder?" woke Son from lethargy. "What is it about?"

* * *

 _Twice funghi and once tuna_

They spent the Saturday afternoon by playing darts in Sniffindoor common room. While the other students were getting on the waiting buses, with which they were supposed to travel to the concert, they were even prohibited to leave the Sniffindoor building before the departure.  
"I've just called the pizzeria and ordered a pizza. They should be here in twenty minutes," explained Garry, playing with a dart in his hand. "When the messenger seeks us in a castle, we'll climb to the back of his truck and get to the town. Ingenious, isn't it?"  
"Ingenious," nodded Hormone seriously. "And it has only an insignificant downside - they deliver pizza in a passenger car."  
"Couldn't you tell it sooner?"  
"I didn't know what your plan was!"  
"Hmm, what'll we do?" sighed Garry and threw the dart to a target on the back side of the playroom. Double thirteen! Prime number multiplicated by prime number!

(...)

"It costs six violet chips and four white chips," stated the messenger dryly, while Hormone was taking the pizza boxes.  
Garry winked on Son: "Pay him, please."  
"Me?" Son pulled out his pockets. "I'm as poor as a church mouse caught short..."  
"I don't have money here," hissed Garry.  
"Oh great, you two are really perfect," Hormone angrily handed the pizza boxes over to Garry and counted the appropriate number of coins from her purse.  
"Sorry," Garry apologized to Hormone, when they were heading back to their hostel. "I've forgot I've already put my wallet to my travel bag."  
In front of the entrance to the staircase leading to students' rooms, they nearly tripped over someone who lied on a threshold.  
"Evil, what are you doing here?" said frightened Garry, almost dropping the boxes on Evil.  
"I've... forgotten the password," mumbled Evil. Entrances to the bedrooms of houses were protected by password, mainly in order to prevent the students from going freely to another building. At day, doors were normally opened, but now, when almost all of the students had left, they were locked.  
"I've lost my ticket," snivelled Evil, "so Professor Grape kicked me from the bus." He jerked with his fist into the air.  
"You can go with us," tried Hormone to cheer him up. "We'll go there in a minute, right, boys?"  
Garry hummed something indistinctive. Son's head was stuffed in a pizza box and its owner didn't pay attention to the world around at all.  
Evil calmed down a bit: "And the password?"  
"1-2-3-4-5, of course," dialled Hormone the appropriate code into the alarm on door. The door buzzed and unblocked itself.  
"Pretty stupid code, I'd not choose it even for my trunk," snarled Garry.  
"I do have the password 1-2-3-4-5 on my trunk!" appeared Son's ketchup-stained face from a pizza box. "So I don't have to remember two passwords!"  
They entered the room 213. Garry moved all things from the table onto the Son's bed with one wave of his hand and put the pizza boxes on it.  
Meanwhile, Evil's heart sunk again: "But you can't go to the concert, you have detention!"  
"Bugger off, you sissy!" retorted Garry.  
"If they find it out, they'll take points from us again!" raged Evil.  
"Surely not as much as when you are lame in Dealing and shuffling," laughed Son. Already purple Evil launched himself on him, but Son dodged in the last moment and Evil hit a leg of the table with his head, which calmed him down a bit.  
However, Hormone, who was examining the pizza boxes, went angry at the moment. "You ginger eat-it-all, the tuna one was mine!"

* * *

 _Opening acts_

 _You can do what you want  
just seize the day_ _  
_ _What you're doing tomorrow's  
gonna come your way_

(...)

"Go, nobody's around!" shouted Hormone, who watched the castle from Hybrid's field of experimental cabbage.  
Son erected a ladder next to the wall of Hybrid's house. "Do you really think it's a good idea?" he asked Garry for a dozenth time.  
"Of course," reassured him Garry for a dozenth time as well. "There's no other way from the grounds, Flitch is in the gate and around the school grounds is barbed wire. Hybrid has a brigade at the concert as a bodyguard, so no one is guarding here." Son reluctantly climbed on the roof of the cottage and Garry followed him. "Come on, Hormone, hurry up!"  
Hormone ran to them and ascended the ladder: "I still think those five tablets were too much. What if Evil won't wake up?"  
"Don't frighten us," helped her Garry, "at least he'll have a good nap." He supported the ladder for their way down and they all descended to the forest.  
"Do you have a lighter?"  
"Yes."  
"Backup lighter?"  
"Yes."  
"Light for the lighters?"  
"Yes."  
"Map?"  
"Uh, yes. Sort of."  
"What does it mean, sort of?!"  
"I haven't found a tourist map, so I've taken a map of the town and the forest isn't really there..."  
"What!?"  
"Don't worry, I remember it. We have to go like three hundred meters on the hill and there will be a road. We'll turn right and arrive right to the town. I mean, left."  
"A tourist sign's here," pointed Hormone.  
"I don't really remember it," scratched Garry his chin. "Let's follow my way."

(...)

"You said three hundred metres?" wheezed Son. "We're going for half an hour!"  
"The road has to be here somewhere," waved Garry with his hands. "There were plenty of them on the map."  
"And weren't they incidentally contour lines, Garry?!" leaned Hormone to the nearest pine growing from the sandstone subsoil of the hill.  
"On tour lines? It's us who is on tour, not some lines..." objected Garry.

(...)

 _Young and proud_ _  
_ _Young and proud_ _  
_ _We're marching on the same side of destiny_ _  
_ _On the same side of destiny_

(...)

"What time is it?" asked Son and sat on a mossy stump, tired.  
"Half past seven," said Garry, looking on his watch, "an hour before the start of the official programme."  
From thick blackberry bushes on the hillside under them emerged bruised Hormone and started shouting unforgivable curses to Garry.  
"Where are you leading us, you..." heard Garry a question among the avalanche of swearwords.  
"Because there's no road here, I've decided that we have to climb the hill and reach the town from the top," tried Garry to interrupt her, but his words got lost among the curses.  
When Hormone finally ran out of insults, she threw Son off the stump and sat on it. She took cigarette papers and a small metal box from her bag.  
"Smoking stop," she cleared her throat.  
"Smoking is banned in a forest," remarked Son while brushing his clothes, earning his own load of unforgivable curses.  
After first puff, Hormone calmed down at last. "Do you want a puff?" she offered to Garry. "Sonny probably doesn't, as he's saying bullshit."  
"Let's go, we're going somewhere else," gestured Garry to Hormone, when they finished the joint. "There are foul black spiders crawling all around here."  
"And you're saying it NOW?"

(...)

On the top of the hill, they finally encountered a road. "There's a road!" shouted Garry to Hormone, who was twenty meters below them and tried to persuade an old withered beech to move out of her way.  
"I'm not sure," turned Garry to Son, "shouldn't we rather take her pot away?" Son, however, wasn't listening and took his snack out of his bag.  
"And if you won't move, can I at least hug you?"  
The ancient trunk nodded and its branches croaked giving up. It's not easy to be a tree in Bohemian Highland, it thought.  
"Oh, look, there is a crossroad sign here as well," showed Garry his newest discovery to Hormone.  
"I know that," chuckled Hormone from behind the beech. "Like that legend! You, who come from the west, if you go right, you'll return, if you go left, you'll return, if you go straight, you won't return..."  
"What are you blabbering?" yelled Garry. "Come on, go here!"  
"You wouldn't understand," growled Hormone quietly. "What do you think, tree, would he understand it?"  
The tree just silently shrugged its knots.  
"Bye, then," said Hormone to the tree and left towards her friends.  
"Bye."

(...)

 _"When I find myself in times of trouble, Mother Mary comes to me..."  
_ "Hormone, stop it, you can't sing!" _  
_ _"...speaking words of wisdom, let it be!"  
_ "What have you said about taping your mouth?"  
 _"And in my hour of darkness, she is standing right in front of me..."  
_ "Son, would you please take the tape off my bag?"  
 _"...speaking words of wisdom..."  
_ "Do you really want ANOTHER murder to take place here?" (1)

(...)

"Oops, river in the way," stopped Hormone.  
Son looked around: "We should've entered the asphalt road we've crossed before and gone the rest of the way on the road."  
"That would be too long," shook Garry with his head. "It's way shorter this way." He started to take off his boots. "Plus it's the road from the castle to the town, we could meet someone there."  
"So we have to go through the river?" wrinkled Son his nose.  
"Do you see a different way?"  
"Someone could carry me to the other side," mentioned Hormone.  
"And what about throwing you there?"  
"I do not want to put off my socks!"  
"Nor do I," sighed Son.

(...)

After approximately half an hour, they arrived to the edge of inhabitated area. Garry looked to the map. "So, we finally know where we are!"  
"What time is it?" asked Son and sat on mossy boundary stone, tired.  
"Quarter past eight," said Garry, looking on his watch, "fifteen minutes before the start of the official programme."  
From thick bushes on the edge of the forest emerged bruised Hormone and started shouting unforgivable curses to Garry.  
"Where are you leading us, you..." heard Garry a question among the avalanche of swearwords.  
That seems to be 'de zhawie', thought Garry and they headed to the summer theatre.

* * *

 _Official programme_

 _So if you are in sight and the day is right_ _  
_ _She's the hunter you're the fox_ _  
_ _The gentle voice that talks to you_ _  
_ _Won't talk forever_ _  
_ _It's a night for passion_ _  
_ _But the morning means goodbye_ _  
_ _Beware of that is flashing in her eyes_ _  
_ _She's going to get you_

(...)

Garry and Hormone sat under a tree in front of the Polná museum. Son was sent as a spy to find out details.  
"Shit," exclaimed Son, who just appeared behind the corner, "the door is guarded by Grape and Hybrid!"  
"Grape," Garry clenched his teeth angrily. "He's clearly here because of me!"  
"Skip the drama," Hormone dismissed him. "Can we get there somehow else?"  
Son called Mum and Dad. Although he heard just the concert most of the time, they told him that fence can be climbed in the back, behind a row of Toi-Toi WC's. Which they managed, in spite of mild problems.  
They sat to Mum, Dad, their friend Lee Nile, Dan Lowmass and Peter Sheppard. After a while, Palm and Pasta Pettile arrived with fried sausages. Garry took one at once and bit it.  
"Ouuuch!" he jumped unexpectedly, so the sausage fell from paper plate to the ground.  
"What are you doing?" asked Hormone, who just brought chicken gyros and Coca-Cola from nearby stand.  
"My... scar!" gasped Garry. "It itched suddenly a lot!"  
"Stop sitting on it, then," retorted Hormone.  
"Ha, ha, ha, very funny," snapped Garry and scratched his scar.  
Son leaned to him: "You don't want the sausage anymore?"

(...)

 _And you are such a wild young man_ _  
_ _Can't keep away from him_ _  
_ _Things are always so out of control_ _  
_ _Just dress me, I'm your teacher_

(...)

Garry put on his trousers and left the dark movable closet. Outside he faced a creature in pink robe. Grapefruit robe, he corrected himself quickly.  
"Good evening, Professor." Garry started to circle Grape with small steps.  
"Good evening, Poker," answered Professor Grape and ordered him not to try to subtly leave with a careless hand gesture. "May I ask what is your Poker face doing here on the concert? I've thought you have detention and are to stay in the castle."  
"Uh," explained Garry the situation.  
"Moreover, I do not remember you arriving through the entrance," Grape threw a suspecting look on Garry.  
"Uh," continued Garry in explaining.

(...)

 _Mercy, mercy  
You've got to have pity on me  
Have mercy on me_

(...)

"It seems you are not to stay here, Poker, go to Professor McDonald," incited him Grape.  
"K.F.C., here is your house's celebrity," explained Grape, when they've found Professor McDonald in the tent with slot machines.  
"Three cherries!" shouted McDonald and started to pay attention to them. "Poker, what are you doing here?"  
"Professor Grape brought me here."  
"Unitus, why have you brought this boy to the concert?" Professor threw another blue chip to the slot machine.  
Grape sighed. These times, he was not only driven to mad by stupidity of students, but he had a feeling that his colleagues were no match for him intellectually, either. "He went to the concert himself, I just brought him here to you."  
"And why?"  
You should retire already, it's high time, thought Grape. "Because he should not be here, but in the castle. And he is your student," he answered out loud. My kingdom for an intelligent company!, he said to himself again.  
"Here you are, we're seeking you everywhere!" looked Son Measly into the tent. "Hello, Professors."  
"And this one also shouldn't be here," murmured Grape. He turned his eyes to the silky tent ceiling. What I wanted was INTELLIGENT company!

(...)

 _I sit around_ _  
_ _Trying to smile, but the air is so heavy and dry_ _  
_ _Strange voices are saying (ah, what did they say?)_ _  
_ _Things I can't understand_

* * *

 _Afterparty_

"This Grape is really getting on my nerves," howled Garry, "we have another detention because of him!" He put a five of clubs between four and six and put the package of cards, now sorted perfectly according to numbers and symbols, on the table. Then he took another unsorted package.  
"But McDonald at least gave us fifty points for the nerve," calmed him Son, whose almost sorted package just collapsed on the table, "that fucking bitch!"  
"Why do you call her so, then?"  
"I meant that motherfucking package!" swore Son while picking up the cards from the table.  
"Grape took fifty points from us for the cheek anyway, and nothing from nothing leaves nothing," thought Garry, "and now we have to sort these two hundred school packages of bridge cards. We'll be doing it till morning!"

(...)

 _What a beautiful morning_ _  
_ _The best in life is free_ _  
_ _What a beautiful morning_ _  
_ _Believe me_

(...)

"It's morning already."  
"Well, at least they let us stay at the concert till the end."  
"How many do you have? I have forty," asked Son. The package fell from his hands again. "Thirty-nine."  
"I have forty-seven," Garry put his package down so he could help Son pick up all the cards, "but with this speed..."  
A quiet knocking could be heard. The door of Dealing and Shuffling class opened. Because of fright, Son's cards flew out of his hand. "A ghost!" he yelped.  
"Oh well, so I haven't got time to brush my hair, you do not have to make comments," spoke the ghost with Hormone's voice, "and the nightgown surely isn't that bad."  
"Not enough revealing for my liking, but otherwise..." voiced Garry his opinion.  
"I've brought you hot chocolate," ignored him Hormone and sat opposite to them.  
"You've made us hot chocolate?" Because of his surprise, Son dropped the cards he managed to already pick up.  
"No," reassured him Hormone, "I haven't sunk that low yet. Brownie made it, that you are surely freezing, starving, dehydrated and God knows what else. Waste of words. She was budgering me for so long that finally I've brought it to you."  
"Why didn't she bring it herself?"  
"She was afraid of walking through the castle alone at night and she is shy around you. Waste of words."  
Garry drank from the hot chocolate. "Well, at least we know now that not all of girls are like you, but there are also some nice and kind," he licked his lips, "that hot chocolate is delicious."  
"I'll tell her," Garry was pierced by pistachio laser, "let's hope she won't pass out because of your compliments. I'll rather dilute it with a bit of irony and sarcasm, so she would be able to digest it."  
"I can imagine that," grinned Garry.  
"I just fear that it won't work on her anyway," shrugged Hormone, "Blessed in spirit are the poor, for theirs is the kingdom of the heavens."  
"I can also imagine that," grinned Garry and looked on Son.  
"Anyway, until then, I can sweeten my life by sarcasm on their behalf."  
Hormone headed to the door. After few steps, she returned and put a pack of cookies on the table. "I've brought you cookies as well," she explained. "Mine," she uttered.  
Oh no, it somehow gets out of our hands, thought Garry Poker, this should be wild parody and not a psychological probe into interpersonal relations. At least Son is trying a little on this count.  
"Garry," said quietly Son, when Hormone left, "what is sargasm?"

(...)

 _And I wonder what more is to come_ _  
_ _And this beautiful morning changed my mind_ _  
_ _Believe me when I say_ _  
_ _The shadows fading out (2)_

* * *

(1) Yes, another. But don't worry, there were no murders in this story… yet. Garry is speaking about the murder of Anežka Hrůzová, which took place near the hill and is pretty famous in Czech Republic.

(2) This chapter contains parts of songs Beautiful life, Young and proud, All that she wants, Giving it up, Mercy Mercy, Cruel summer and Beautiful morning by Ace of Base and Let it be by The Beatles.


End file.
